Girl Interupted

I'm watching the movie, and I wonder what you'd think of it. I've spoken to others today about what's been going on. I try not to think on it too frequently, but I think I'm doing ok. Not being completely sad all the time does feel good. I can finally go out into the sun, and even though there's snow on the ground, I know that I can live a little while without it's warmth. I guess that being without something that gives you pleasure, or that makes you feel good, or that makes you feel safe... It can build character to be without the things that you need. It makes you realize why you needed them in the first place.

But having those things makes living that much easier.


Strip me down, beat me senseless; call me worthless you're priceless to me

Let it /die

This is your mission
Should you choose to accept it
Well, I hope that you do
This is your story
Should you choose to remember
Well, I hope that it's true

I've finally a reason
To let it die, let it die
You've given me a reason
To let it die
Let it die
Like all the words irrelevant and clean
Like all the girls before me, have you seen
Somebody walking back from Hell on their own
Well, I hope that you do
Why are we talking
As if you didn't know
Well, they know about you

I've finally a reason
To let it die, let it die
You've given me a reason
To let it die
Let it die
Like all the words irrelevant and strange
Like some ancient Prokofieff arrangement

This is your mission
Should you choose to accept it
Well, I hope that you do
This is your army
And they're all right behind you
Yes, they're all right with you
Let it die
Let it die
Let it die

Distaste

Give me a break with this heartache
I doubt it will make it through till tomorrow, it's bogged down with sorrow
and guilt, and it's built, on these stilts which wobble
5 feet and 3 inches high

You ask me why I'm this way, and all I can say
is I've gone through my fair share of shit
And you want all I've got so I'll give it a shot
I just hope you don't regret it

I'm unimpressed, think it's best if we give it a rest
I'm so tired, I can't stand, for fear I will land on my ass
Let time pass, this can't last
'cuz I am just barely getting by

You ask me why I'm this way, and all I can say
is I've gone through my fair share of shit
And you want all I've got so I'll give it a shot
I just hope you don't regret it

You ask me why I'm this way and all I can say
is I've got nothing to hide behind
no excuses to confuse this, 'cuz everyone loses
But it's better than living a lie



I'm so tired of feeling used up... I'm feeling terribly, and looking for the only thing that's been making me feel terrible is the one thing that's been trying to make me feel better. For some reason "" it seems to me that if someone says "don't do that", it'd be nice... NO, it'd be HUMAN DECENCY to just... Not do it... So, it would be the logical thing to think "with every action, there comes an equal and opposite reaction." What else was to be expected? That's not right. Please stop. Stop. No I mean it, stop. STOP. GOD DAMMIT STOP. KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF...

See? It's cumulative... You can't just expect the same thing, with no change, to make anything better, can you? I mean, honestly. If the action is to attempt to help, and the action becomes abrasive, and you've been asked on NUMEROUS occasions to STOP. Don't DO that. PLEASE don't do that. GET AWAY from that. I can't believe that after the incessant din of the repetition nothing would even scratch the surface for you.

I'm just flabbergasted. You expect something less severe than a brick when a pillow just didn't cut it? Honestly.

Shalott

She’s locked up with a spinning wheel
She can’t recall what it’s like to feel
She says, “this rooms gonna be my grave,
And there’s no one who can save me”

She sits down to her coloured thread
She knows, lovers waking up in their beds
She says, “how long can I live this way
Is there no one I can pay to let me go”

‘cause I’m half sick of shadows
I want to see the sky
Everyone else can watch as the sun goes down
So why cant I

And its raining
And the star are falling from the sky
And the wind, I know its cold
I’ve been waiting
For the day I will surely die
And its here
And its here for I’ve been told
That I’ll die before I’m old
And the wind I know its cold

She looks up to the mirrored glass
She sees a handsome horse and a rider pass
She says that mans gonna be my death
‘Cause he’s all I ever wanted in my life

And I know he doesn’t know my name
And that all the girls are all the same to him
But I’ve still got to get out of this place
‘cause I don’t think I can face another night

Where I’m half sick of shadows
And I cant see the sky
Everyone else can watch as the tide comes in
So why cant I

And its raining
And the star are falling from the sky
And the wind, I know its cold
I’ve been waiting
For the day I will surely die
And its here
And its here for I’ve been told
That I’ll die before I’m old
And the wind I know its cold

But there’s willow trees
And little breezes, waves and walls and flowers
And there’s moonlight every single night
As I’m locked in these towered
So I’ll meet my death

But with my last breath
I’ll sing to him I love
And he’ll see my face in another place
And with that the glass above

Cracked into a million bits
And she cried out “so the story fits
But then I could’ve guess it all along
‘cause now some drama queen is ganna write song for me


She went down to her little boat
And she broke the chains and began to float away
And as the blood froze in her veins
She said “ well then that explains a thing or two”

Cause I know I’m the cursed one
I know I’m meant to die
Everyone else can watch as their dreams untie
So why cant I?

And its raining
And the star are falling from the sky
And the wind, I know its cold
I’ve been waiting
For the day I will surely die
And its here
And its here
And its here
And its here
And its here
And its finally here

And its raining
And the star are falling from the sky
And the wind, I know its cold
I’ve been waiting
For the day I will surely die
And its here
And its here for I’ve been told
That I’ll die before I’m old
And the wind I know its cold


I want an end to this terrible round and about. I want a solution to the riddle I've been forcing myself to ponder over. To love is madness, I'd say. To feel for one person, regardless of what's happened and to forgive unconditionally is to be in a word insane. I believe that there's a problem in my head... Something's going on inside there that's destroying my reasoning skills. I think to myself, "oh love, why are you crying?" only to reply "I don't know how to get what I need, and what I need is the only thing that I want..." Somehow I think that even the short dialog can explain the lack of sanity.. I was once told that if one speaks to oneself it is viewed as a sign of genius, and also a sign of madness. Whichever shall I choose? I want to be okay, but I feel myself slipping into a void again. My creativity hasn't been worse for ware... I've painted and drawn and written, creating and destroying, making and then tearing or burning down whatever is the result of the thoughts... I wish I had a more positive outlet. I need what I had back... I miss the warm embrace, the tender kisses, the thoughtful conversation... Why, if it was so good, can it not be something that is worth trying for? I think that it's something that's worth giving a shot... Seems to me that it's worth more than what's going on at the moment. I find it's got more substance and moxie than what's been observed to date... Ha, and I think what's been is better than what is. WAY better.

WAT

Why is it that when someone's having a shitty day, and it's GENUINELY shitty.. Like, "hey, dude... my mom died..." THAT kind of shitty...
- that someone comes into the room, or conversation, or you're TALKING to them and they say this :

"Oh, you think THAT'S bad? Be thankful you're not me!" - :insert "terrible reason" here"

It's honestly never as bad as they make it seem. It's just a cheap way to say "psh feel better your life doesn't suck half as bad as mine -cuts self-"

What drives this need to be worse off than others? It's stupid and obnoxious.

Thinking too hard. About stuff that should be left to die

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
stay....

Blame it on the alcohol.

So, here's the thing. You've got this person on your mind. You work with them. They're constantly around you, you hang out with them all the time. You joke with them, talk with them, bond with them, play games with them... And then you pretend that nothing's going on so that you can "keep the peace" at work. ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED. Everyone can see it, and you're only delaying the inevitable. Don't keep trying to hide what you feel, because it's only hurting YOU. And the person whom you've stolen the heart of !!!! Now I wish that I could scream at you and tell you, little mermaid style, "KISS THE GIRL!! SHA LA LA LA LA LA DONT BE SHY!!" It's not like you have to get married... Or have sex... Just fucking kiss her! I'm pretty sure it's just as frustrating for all of us who have to watch it as it is for you not to do it, or even to admit anything to her. Jesus Christmas you're terrible at hiding your feelings under all that tough exterior. It's not like we don't all watch as that look of longing SEEPS FROM YOUR VERY CORE. You both have it. It's not a secret anymore... Everyone talks about it, but only you deny what's truly going on. Just admit it, and move forward in what could be! Just fall into the happy. Don't get caught up in the politics of it all right now. Just enjoy! Unless somehow you end up being deported.. In which case, it really wouldn't matter anyway, especially if you just so happen to NOT have the insanely obvious attraction for each other.

Sorrow [tapping the vein - broken]

See? The Tide Is Turning Now And I'm Fading, Fading
I Have No Excuses Anymore
This Is Where I Wanted To Be
You've Twisted Me Out From The Inside
And You've Hung Me In The Wind

You Are My Weakness
You May Be My Downfall

Helpless As You Move Away
I Am Empty, Aimless
I Have No Illusions Anymore
They Just Ran Right Out Of Me
And Every Day I'll Fight Not To Miss You
Every Day I'll Lose, Yeah

You Are My Weakness
You May Be My Downfall

So Just Leave Me Here With My Tortured Heart
Or Stay And Watch As I Cut It Out

You Are My Weakness
You May Be My Downfall
I Don't Know Really, Really What You Want From Me
I Don't Know What You Really Want From Me
No, I Don't Really Know What You Want From Me
But You Will Be My Downfall

It is as I've been trying to convince myself it is not... This is how it shall be, and there is no use begging, or pleading. Deaf ears catch no one's remorse. They can only pay attention to themselves. Those that do not listen are content to sit in their own self-centered realm of existence. They care not to kneel to where those who loved them once weep, their knees bleeding and sore from crawling on them, begging mercy from those whom do not hear them... All the deaf ones care for...

...is not getting blood on their shoes. That would be incriminating, wouldn't it.

Elisa - Dancing

Reminds me of you. Reminds me of how i feel about you. Makes me feel so strongly… The memories flood back in waves, and i welcome it. I welcome it and relish the happy feelings that accompany them. I want you to understand how I feel. I want you to listen to me, and think of me, before I’m gone… I miss you more than you can even imagine. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve stopped thinking about you. This isn’t just something that I can sweep under a rug. It’s real. It’s alive, burning and writhing inside of my soul… My heart aches for you. My mind yearns for your thoughts, your words, your feelings… There is no amount of time left for fixing anything, I know that now. These words would fall upon deaf ears. But my feelings are left unwavering. I have forgiven all that has happened and wished for a new beginning… Though I know that will never come to pass, I will be able to carry myself on the happy memories until something comes along that can distract me into an amnesic state of mind, to forget all that was before and to leave behind old baggage for that which my thoughts will then flourish upon. I’ve grown as a person, and my will is stronger. I need truth, love, life, and happiness to continue to grow and to succeed. I wish it were you to stand beside me and share in the fruits of my successes, and hold my hand in the face of danger, sadness, and strife. To lie with me and speak of dreams and ideas, and to plan for what is to come. To hold me during the rough patches and let me take care of you through all of your troubles. Unfortunately, you’ve decided that you’d rather content yourself with new conquests. I cannot blame you, for it is only human to seek and learn, and to develop new connections, be those biblical, metaphorical, or literal. I pray that you do not forget me entirely, and that someday you will seek me out for some sort of companionship. Until then, though, I know where I am not needed or wanted, and I shall do my best to leave it alone. Though I could scream over and over, “I fucking love you! I would do ANYTHING for you! You complete me in a way I’ve never had before and never will again!” that wouldn’t honestly make a difference unless you felt something for me, too. You say things to me that beguile my fragile thought process and take your words as genuine feelings that you wish to carry out. But you never call. You never text me. You never write me notes. I get nothing, aside from “I wanna be close again, like we used to be. Like I wish we had been all along. I made a mistake, I’m not over you, I wanna be with you…” And the list of things goes on, and on, and on, and on. How I long to feel your arms around me and your lips on mine. To hear you speaking into my ear softly as we hug. Your hugs… Oh, how I miss you… I can only handle so much pressure before I finally snap. It’s taking everything in me not to step in and say “what’s wrong with you? I’m BETTER than they are! They’re MEANINGLESS compared to me! They’re merely a fraction of what I have to give you…” Am I a coward? Maybe. Am I stubborn? Probably. I’m selfish but care enough about what you think to not ruin your happiness, even at the sake of my own.

fml

daydreaming

I wonder sometimes if you think about me. If you wonder how I am, wonder what I'm doing... I wonder if you ever question what I had for lunch that day, or what I'm wearing for work... What I do when I'm not working, where I'm hanging out.. What I'm thinking about at the time, what I'm up to..

I think too much.

Dancing

Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
'cause it's all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather

So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I'll be leaving soon
My eyes are on you they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking

No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes
'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle

So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me

I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music's the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists

So I just put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me
my arms around you they're around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
they're on you

My eyes

Fix

How am I supposed to give up on what I've wanted most out of life? How does everyone think that it's so fucking easy to just walk away, pretend it never happened, and forget everything that had happened? I don't quite understand how I'm expected to just "be okay" with it...

I'm in distress! I'm okay, but not happy. I'm stable, but I'm unsure. I want to get back that happy feeling. I want to have back what I once cherished. I don't understand how it could have fallen away so easily, or how simply it had disappeared, but I want it back... More than anything, I want to make it right.

Wishing

You were once
my one companion . . .
you were all
that mattered . . .
You were once
a friend and father -
then my world
was shattered . . .
Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .
Wishing I could
hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I
never would . . .
Dreaming of you
won't help me to do
all that you dreamed
I could . . .
Passing bells
and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,
the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .
Too many years
fighting back tears . . .
Why can't the past
just die . . .?
Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
knowing we must
say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive . . .
teach me to live . . .
give me the strength
to try . . .
No more memories,
no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across
the wasted years . . .
Help me say
goodbye

Ears are for listening

Mouths are for speaking. When one speaks, it is to express a thought. Once formulated in the brain, it is developed through the tongue and expelled through the teeth with the assistance of the vocal cords. Typically once someone takes the time to say something, you're supposed to listen to what they are saying and accept what is said as fact until proven otherwise. To listen to a person speak, to take in what they're saying, typically means that you are accepting their words for what they are worth. If they have power, meaning, they'll stick with you. If not, well... Then you forget them, pretending that they were never said. They become obsolete to the listener, floating into the air like so much soot from a chimney on a winter's day.

Where is my Raoul? Where is my Phantom? I want to know where the person for whom I felt so strongly has gone. I want to know how it is possible to discard feelings so easily. Though it was not a lifetime, it seems as though I waited that long. I want to know if this new found hope is worth putting stock into, or if I'm grabbing at open air, falling into a dark tunnel with no light at the end... Is this something that is worth hoping for? I wish it were... I've wished for it for so long. Is this worth thinking about? Should I be questioning everything so readily? I don't know. At this point, it seems a fruitless labor. From what I've been told, it's worthless to put forth the effort. If this is to become anything, regardless of the level, effort has to be put forth on both sides. This is not pulling a bucket out of a well, where only one side is necessary to bring what is necessary to whom is using the rope. It is a level that must be kept balanced, for if balance is not found one side tips, and every grain of rice falls away. There is nothing less complicated. I don't see how it could be more, though.

how to break a heart

How to break a heart
It is not difficult
Anyone can do it
So could you, if you tried
Just find a light
And switch it off
As easy as blinking
That's what I was taught
When I was too young to ask
By ladies in white nightgowns

In dripping weeds and black ribbons
A girl's best friend is a small handgun
The question was useless
For I could say yes
But you've got to ask my army
And they are not inclined to grant favours just now

Chilly

It's so damn cold outside!!! I've finally had to give in and turn on my heat... There goes my food money for a while until I can figure out a way to get this crap packed up and shipped to my mother's faster so I can finally get room mates... Then it'll be a little easier.


Is it normal to miss someone terribly, even though you know they don't give a shit if you're alive or dead?


I don't know what's wrong with me lately.

I've been going through this "I'm totally okay. I'll be fine." phase, and then a "what am I doing with my life? I'm drowning, help!!" phase... Back and forth, up and down, side to side. I'm getting sick of this inconsistency. I wish I had the stability I once had back. I'm getting back to being stable.

On Wednesday last week, I went to see Emilie Autumn in concert...

BEST. LIVE PERFORMANCE. EVER.

No lie.

I'm pretty sure I've never been to a better show. It was spectacular. The only thing I regret is getting sick literally 5-10 minutes before she came on stage. I had to fumble through the crowd to get water and sit down somewhere before I passed out in the middle of all these people... I'd have been trampled! it would have been terrible.. But the show was absolutely spectacular! I'm hoping that I get to go see her this coming December 2nd, but... I really don't know if i'll have the money together at this point to even consider it a possibility... But I'll be damned if I won't try. I'm going to see if I can sell some of my stuff... Not much of it is worth anything, but if I get super desperate I might be able to sell my guitar... I really don't want to do that but when you're in need, you're in need... My bonus from work won't get there even half in time for me to get the tickets either.

Living alone sucks especially when there's so much you WANT to do, and so much you NEED to do... Maybe my mom will get me the ticket for Christmas... I doubt it, but there's always that offhanded chance. I'm more than excited to go see it. A friend of mine went with me, and she got to stay up front. We waited for literally 7 hours in the freezing cold, wearing nothing but hoodies and bloomers... Hahaha, we looked quite the site. But it was soooo worth it. I got some pictures on my cell phone of the set before I got sick, and it was so awesome.... I'm still bubbling over it. She's so amazing.. Talented, beautiful, bold, confident... She's just amazing.

We met a lot of really cool people there too. It was like a love fest centered around Emilie! And what was really cool... A new friend bought me a t-shirt..
I didn't have any money for merchandise because I had spent it on an oil change for my car (so we wouldn't be stranded in Baltimore) and also on lots of wasted parking... The first garage that we found had us 5 dollars out because it closed at NINE, and then we stuck maybe 6 dollars worth of quarters in this machine and didn't realize you had to press a button for a ticket... It was just an adventure. -sigh- but anyway. It'll all be okay now. Everything was fantastic. :D

I've got to get to that show with VIP tickets. It's my goal.

Winter

My days are cold and dark without the warm touch of the sun... My body is numb from all but the sun's warming rays, the kiss of their warmth on my skin... The world is colorless, all that was once sweet is now bitter. Without the sun, it is as though the world was never to be born at all. An anomaly of nature, the world is... The plants die, the trees leaves whither, the animals become frail and weak... A barren landscape is all that is left without the sun. And that's how it is, and will be... I hope at some point the sun will return to the world to assist in it's healing, and the growth of new and better things.

Maybe it's to be a barren landscape forever. Because, you see, the sun doesn't like when the earth's creatures start to adapt to their chilly, barren habitats. When they learn to deal without the sun, and though they miss it and love it deeply, they must cope with it's loss and carry on without. The sun becomes vengeful and hateful that the creatures would possibly be able to move on, or at least adapt to the new and harsh environment, so it moves farther and farther away from the earth... Trying to kill every last ounce of hope and happiness that there could have been in the world, the sun shuns it, hoping that the animals and plants will rue the day that they attempted to live without it.

But it doesn't work that way...

mer...

yeah... mer...

Julie and Julia

I enjoyed that movie immensely.. I really enjoy cooking. It made me remember when I was younger, and when I'd make up my own recipes that really didn't work... GOD did they suck..

I was thinking about starting to cook a lot more now that I've got a job that makes me sit all day with nothing to do but talk on the phone. I feel like I can relate to the Julie character a lot... Aside from the fact that I'm negative one husband.
We're both moderately neurotic... She's sweet, funny, has a job that sucks answering stupid phones... I feel for her, and can relate to her.

I'm retarded.

But anyway, it made me think... What if somehow I cooked my way to being okay? To being happy again? What if me thinking and planning isn't what I need to do right now... I just need to create. I've cranked out more paintings and songs and poems than I can handle at this point. My ennui is showing... (lawl)
I can't continue to sit here and torture myself and tell myself that it was all my fault anymore. I can't just destroy my self esteem and my sanity by sitting here, hoping someday things will change for the better. Praying to myself and whatever's there to listen that a change will occur that will make my life better, and happy again...
I so want to be okay again. I've sunk into this hole, this precipice.. and i'm having a really hard time getting out of this bullshit funk. *lol the funk*
But i'm going to be better no matter how hard it is... I'm not going to let my emotions control me anymore. If I'm in love and lonely for the rest of my life, so be it. At least i'll know that I care, if no one else does. At least I can look at myself in the mirror every day and not be completely disgusted by what I see in it. I'm okay with being alone most of the time. All of the time? Not so much... But most of the time? I can handle it.
I want to make cookies.

,,,

I love you.



That's all I have to say. I'm not going to stop, or change my mind. It's just how it is. I'm stupid for it. I know that. But I can't just shut down how I feel.

Deer

On the way to a friend's house tonight, I saw something flailing on the side of the road... If I hadn't of been driving so slow I would have missed it completely or mistaken it for something like garbage or a stick falling off the side of the road...
But then I realized, it was a leg of something... Something had been hit and was sitting on the side of the road, flailing around...
So, because I'm gay, I stopped my car as close to the site of the accident as possible. I wanted to see if there was something that I could do, whatever the hell I might find laying helplessly on the side of the road. Mostly, in my head, I was thinking it was a dog. That was one of my fears, that there had been a dog hit on the side of the road by some fuckwit who decided to hit and run something that they didn't care about because it wasn't their dog... Or even worse, what if it was something like a person with really skinny legs or arms that was seriously hurt... It's movement reminded me of legs.
I get out of the car, and (not having a flash light) I took out my phone and used it as a flash light. My phone's really good at being super fucking bright. So, I'm creeping towards this writhing creature on the ground, hoping that it was just garbage, or something inanimate that I didn't have to be upset over...
There on the damn ground was a baby deer. It couldn't have been more than a year old. A baby deer who's leg had been obviously broken, and who had probably injured it's neck pretty badly because of the obscene angle it was in... So, what did I do?
I screamed and freaked out, more or less.
I started sobbing and ran back to my car, nearly got run over.. Drove to my friends house, took her WITH me to the scene of the accident...
And then promptly called the police...
I didn't know what else to do. I didn't have the number for animal rescue, I didn't know of any sort of "animal control" places that I could call... So the operator sent an office equipped with a k-9 unit to assess the situation. Basically, I told him what happened, and I was like "do you have to call anyone else or can you just kill it?" And he said that he could kill it.. I felt so horrible for sounding so callus about the poor thing writhing in pain only a few feet away from me... I was tempted to go near it, but before when I had gone towards it *like the idiot that I am* it freaked out, splayed out and rolled down a hill two or three times... Not that it wasn't already in shock but I'm stupid and have empathy for things that are in a huge, if not life threatening amount of pain... If you know me you know about the story of the stupid fucking rabbit that I hit, freaked out over, and then SAT with until it died... <-- retarded.
But anyway.
The cop was very polite, very empathetic... And told us he'd take care of the deer.
He also informed me that my registration was expired.
He was kind enough to check it for me.

Then I went to the diner and drowned my sorrows in coffee, and I said a little prayer for the deer...
I'm completely fucked in the head. But I don't care.
I hope the poor thing is at peace now. Fuck that person who decided it was a dandy idea to go speeding down Valley road and hit the fucking thing.
I hope a car hits them.
*side note. The officer also asked me if my car was okay. That was very kind of him, though it was probably part of his job to ask.

beauty from pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Opheliac

I'm your Opheliac
I've been so disillusioned
I know you'd take me back
But still I feign confusion
I couldn't be your friend
My world was too unstable
You might have seen the end

But you were never able
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see
It's the Opheliac in me

I'm your Opheliac
My stockings prove my virtues
I'm open to attack
But I don't want to hurt you
Whether I swim or sink
That's no concern of yours now
How could you possibly think
You had the power to know how
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see
It's the Opheliac in me

Studies show:
Intelligent girls are more depressed
Because they know
What the world is really like
Don't think for a beat it makes it better
When you sit her down and tell her
Everything gonna be all right
She knows in society she either is
A devil or an angel with no in between
She speaks in the third person
So she can forget that she's me

Doubt thou the stars are fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt
Doubt thou the stars are fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt I love

You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see
It's the Opheliac in me

Barely Breathing

I know what youre doing,
I see it all to clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born
Theres not much to examine, theres nothing left to hide
You really cant be serious if you have to ask me why

I say good-bye...

Cause I am barely breathing
And I cant find the air
I dont know who Im kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I dont suppose its worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay

Everyone keeps asking, whats it all about?
I used to be so certain and I cant figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
Theres nothing left to reason and only you to blame Will it ever change?


Cause I am barely breathing
And I cant find the air
I dont know who Im kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I dont suppose its worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But Im thinking it over anyway...


Ive come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?

I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please dont come and go

Cause I am barely breathing
And I cant find the air
I dont know who Im kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I dont suppose its worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But Im thinking it over anyway

Chapter dux

Obviously nothing is going to change unless someone put's forth some sort of effort to make it happen. I'm getting by. I'm doing my best to make the best of the worst in everything. I'm becoming steady again. The world's been spinning wayyyy to fast for me to hold onto lately, but I think i'm finally standing on solid ground. The way I see it?

If i'm not wanted, then I wasn't meant to be there in the first place.
If I'm not needed, then somewhere someone is thinking "I need someone."
If I'm told "you're worthless" by one person, to a hundred more I mean so much.
If I think to myself, "they think you mean nothing..." Someone's going to come out and say "stfu you're so fucking important omg.." and actually mean it.

I'm glad that I can look into this dark place and finally find a little piece of light and shiny here and there. I've always adored things that glow... Most of the time I will stop by the side of the road and pick up something that's shiny if I feel inclined enough to do so.

At one point, I was told it was endearing. (eye roll)
I was told that my bizarre tendencies made me quirky and fun. But, i've been told that certain people find it embarrassing and offensive.
Fuck that.
Fuck those people who won't try and tolerate me for who I am, and who I've always been. I don't have to ACT to receive and maintain friendships. I am myself, and people still love me, and I still love myself. Regardless of how often I put myself down, or how fat I tell myself that I am, or how ugly I tell myself that I am, or how much criticism I face day to day... I'm me, and I've never had to change that to be accepted by anyone. Not a single person. Not a bloody one.

I'm changing physically every day. There's so much waiting for me... I'm scared as shit to go after it because it means leaving my comfort zone and actually trying to do something. BUT GUESS THE FUCK WHAT that's what LIFE is about! Change, movement, removing yourself from your comfort zone and putting yourself out there, finding people, loving people, hating people [cough] some more than others, others less than most, but fucking god there's gotta be more to life than this fucked up town. I hate it here so much... It's as though this is the cesspool of the East Coast, closest to NJ to be tainted but far enough away from NY to be disgustingly out dated.

I'm above EVERYONE ELSE'S influence but my own. I don't let people make my decisions for me. Sure, I ask for HELP, because i'm not above getting some constructive advice and criticism. I enjoy asking for advice. It makes me grow instead of sitting in ignorance. That's why I enjoy talking to people that I trust. I get constructive, positive criticism, kind but stern words about anything and everything that I could possibly have a problem with.

I miss the comfort that I once found in the arms of someone else. The seemingly kind words, the kisses that filled me with warmth, the moments that I would have stayed in forever had I been given the chance... But, unfortunately there is no future for that. Not even in friendship. There is only hurt, and empty feelings. But the only person who I /need/, who I can rely on, and trust fully... Is myself. That's the only person who I can go to after a long day, meditate with, talk to [as crazy as that sounds] and rationalize anything that I've thought about. If I need assistance, I go to my green, and my yellow. I can rely on them, as well as my bird. And also my two loves. I can rely on my friends to be there for me, through ANYTHING. Anything that could possibly go wrong, they're there for me. Because true friendship, like true love, is through better or worse. Through thick and through thin. It's unbreakable, it forgives, it is understanding. It doesn't intend to cause pain, and it apologizes when there are no other ways to give advice. It is empathetic... That's what friendship is to me.

She's not afraid

Lyrics to Her Eyes :
She's not afraid; she just likes to use her night light
When she gets paid, true religion gets it all
If they fit right.

She's a little bit manic, completely organic
Doesn't panic for the most part.

She's old enough to know, and young enough not to say no
To any chance that she gets for home plate tickets to see the Mets.
Like everybody, she's in over her head,
Dreads Feds, Grateful Dead, and doesn't take meds.

She's a Gemini Capricorn
Thinks all men are addicted to porn.
I don't agree with her half the time,
But, damn I'm glad she's mine.

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.

She got the kinda strength that every man wishes he had.
She loved Michael Jackson up until he made Bad.

Tells me that she lives about a hundred lives,
Scares me to death when she thinks and drives,
Says cowboy hats make her look fat,
and I'm so glad she's mine.

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.

She doesn't know the word 'impossible'
Don't care where I've been and doesn't care where we're goin' to.
She takes me as I am, and that ain't easy.
She's beautiful. So beautiful.

And sometimes I think she's truly crazy.
And I love it.

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Always meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Always meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.

She's not afraid; she just likes to use her night light

Superstitious

very superstitious
writings on the wall

I went to a wedding yesterday. My friends Lucy and Jeff got married... They make such an adorable couple. They've been through Hell and back, and even though they're still brushing ash off their shoulders, they're still doing it together, with their hands held tight and fingers laced. Their bond is unbreakable, and they're going to make it through everything and anything together.

During the reception, they had the typical bouquet toss. Everyone was all anxious to get in front, and my friend Emily forced me to participate (even though I thought it pointless to try and be involved in something that at this point I can't even think about...) in the throwing... But, once it was thrown, everyone backed towards the sides of the stage and I was the only one left. It was headed towards my face, and I caught it. I've never caught the bouquet before, at any one's wedding. To catch the bouquet means that you are the next one to be married.
I'm a pretty superstitious person. I don't enjoy spilling salt, I knock on wood... I carry a lucky dollar that I've had for almost a year. I do things on certain days that i think are the most fortunately lucky. Though my luck isn't good, I try anyway and hope for the best. That's how I am with anything...
I got the garter too. Well, inadvertently. It was thrown to the boys, and the one who caught it put it on my leg. The DJ said, "you know, the higher you put it the luckier it is!" That was probably the most awkward thing that's happened to me in a long time, lol... This guy I didn't know, had never met, stuck his hands half way up my skirt nearly mid thigh to stick this damn garter on my leg. That's apparently lucky too.
The whole event was beautiful. I love weddings, and think that they're a very good part of the human event cycle. No matter what other people think... If one person doesn't want me, there's got to be somebody out there who does. No matter what happens with the people whom I date, if they hate me in the end or start to spread nasty rumors, or decide to cheat on me or beat me up physically or abuse me emotionally... No matter how bad it gets, I've got hope that some day I'll be able to walk down an isle into the arms of someone who's willing to do anything for me, and whom will accept that I'm willing to do anything for them. Someone, who for better or worse, will try to make me happy and try and accept me for all that I am, and who I was meant to be.
There has to be someone out there, past, present or future, who wants to be with me. I know that it'll happen someday.
I'm going to have those twins come hell or high water, even if I have to adopt them. Power of positive thinking. Think positive, think positive, think positive.

I'm going to try my best to avoid all things that would drag me down into depression. Though, I'm very nearly at rock bottom, finding nothing left in this dark place but muck and sadness, loneliness, isolation... Not much hope to go around when all you keep hearing is "give up, stop caring, move on, get over it..." and especially when you're the kind of person who refuses to take failure as an answer... I guess walking away isn't really giving up. It's just trying to grow when you are forced to accept the loss of a loved one, or a lover, or a best friend... No matter how badly you want them in your life, you can't control what other people think or do. You can only control how you react to it, and try and make it the most positive thing that you can without going completely insane...

I don't know. My friends care. They have good intentions, i'm sure. I just wish that there was a way to get what I want and not have to go through any more pain. The crying myself to sleep gig is kinda getting old. The not being able to listen to anything on my iPod without sobbing is starting to get really boring, too. I can't help it, but once old wounds are torn open it's hard to just kind of solder it closed... It takes time, and bandages, and antiseptic, and bandaids and love...

I so desperately need and deserve love.

horoscope (om..)

Things just don't seem workable to you right now, but that doesn't mean you should give up! Far from it -- now is the time for you step up your efforts and see if you can't pull off a miracle ending.

Horoscope dose

Your friendly energy is perfect for small-scale social engagements that keep you busy all day long -- and keep those around you happier than ever! Make sure to include them all in your day's business.

empty

The hope I had at one point seems to be fading away. I mean, I've got it... But slowly it's being whittled away as more and more bad news seems to knock at my door.

I miss the physical closeness. I miss the hand holding, and the small brushes of cheek to cheek, of lips to skin. I'm not going to experience that anymore, and it feels terrible. I don't know... I feel like im just disappearing into nothing. Most of the time I think, "maybe if I had done something better, it would have been different." "maybe if I had tried harder, things would still be okay." "maybe if something hadn't of come up, or developed, then it would all be better."

Would have could have should have, maybe's if and could be's....

I'm never going to be in a position where i'm accepted, understood, forgiven... Loved. All at the same time. Why can't I find a god damn happy medium?!? I thought that I had found it. Then something changed... I'd love to know what it was. So that if I can't fix what's happened, and try to remedy my mistake, then I could learn and move on so i don't fuck up anything in the future the way I have. I thought that I'd finally found my missing piece... My one and only. The part i've been searching for for my whole life... I'm being screamed at for writing that, but honestly that's how i felt. There's no way anyone can be upset with me when I've got an opinion. this is still America. We're still allowed to write what we want for now. But even though my feelings are unchanging, my heart still put on lay-away, it sucks because at this rate... It'll never be picked up, or paid for. There will be no happy ending at this point. there is no future, there is no past.

There is only now, and even now can't last. Moments fade, time continues.

Horoscope

Your creative and practical sides are perfectly aligned today, and that gives you a big leg up at work or anywhere else you have to compete. You may find yourself on track for a big promotion

Ashes and Wine

don’t know what to do anymore
I’ve lost the only love worth fighting for
I’ll drown in my tear storming sea
that would show you,
that would make you hurt like me

all the same,
I don’t want mud-slinging games
it’s just a shame
to let you walk away
is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?

don’t know if our fate’s already sealed
this day’s a spinning circus on a wheel
I’m ill with the thought of your kiss
coffee-laced, intoxicating on her lips

shut it out, I’ve got no claim on you now
I’m not allowed to wear your freedom down

is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?

I’ll tear myself away
if that what you need
there is nothing left to say

is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?
reduced to ashes and wine
or are we ashes…

Factor.

The i love you factor. Being able to say "I love you" even after someone's told you that they've got terminal cancer.

Do you have it?

Near to you

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.

/almost/ lover.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Crawl

Though this song is pretty much demeaning, I really enjoy it.

So much of me died with you
An ocean I've cried for you
There is nothing I wouldn't give just to say my last goodbye to you
I laid it all on the table
Now it's all on the floor
It's worth nothing
It's worth nothing to you
Anymore

I would beg
I would plead
I would crawl
On my hands and my knees
To try to restore her faith in me
I would crawl
On my hands and my knees
I would crawl
Just to be with you
Just to be with you

I'd give up an eternity if I could only to come home to you
But your garden is empty
All your flowers are dead
I tried to keep it growing
But there's no light there

I would beg
I would plead
I would crawl
On my hands and my knees
To try to restore
Your faith in me
I would crawl
On my hands and my knees
You know I would beg
You know I would plead
I would crawl through hell on my knees
Just to be with you
Just to be with you

Unconditional

After all of it. After every word, after every broken promise, after every bitter tear...

I'd still give up the world I know for one in which I could be loved, and in love one more time.
The empty side of my bed is so cold. It used to be filled, and also very warm. It used to be inviting, and I used to look forward to waking up to kisses on my neck and shoulders. The smile in the eyes that loved me, it would brighten my day. The hands that held mine, that played with my hair, that tugged at my belt loops playfully... The arms that I once rested in, felt protected within, they were warm on the coldest of days. The embrace, the kisses, the passion...

The feeling. The closeness. Where did it all go?

If only there were such a thing to look forward to tomorrow. Maybe, someday, at some point... But even hoping for that now is probably so far fetched. Who could know at this point in their lives what they truly desire? Though I've pretty much had mine planned out since I was in kindergarten... The long months, followed by the one fantastic day, followed then by the future filled with growth, learning, and wonderful memories...

I'm not looking forward to waiting, but I guess at this point... I have no choice but to accept and move on, or to sit here and die.
Death seems so inviting at times. A friend of mine and I were speaking of religion, and were talking of whether or not suicide was like a sort of "reset" feature on life... As in, if you were to displace yourself from the life you know now, is that what you're essentially SUPPOSED to do to reach the final divine? Or is it like, you kill yourself, and you get to go on one more time, to change the things that you did before, to right the wrongs and fix what's been broken.

Part of me wonders. Hmm...

How likely am I to consider pressing the blinking red light of death on my system?
We don't know why we're here. That's fine. I could care less, because up until recently life's been pretty groovy. Live, learn, strive, survive.
But what if the true meaning is to know when to stop? To realize your limit, and that it's okay to just go to sleep? To, in essence, "reset" your life?

That's a good question. So many questions.

Coward

You are. You have no drive. You get these ideas, and you're just too scared to follow through. Sure, you've got some pretty good intentions. But you're too afraid. You're afraid to leave your comfort zone. Mommy's womb and daddy's house would be too far away if you were to actually do anything with your life.

You surround yourself with people who you think are interesting, that are "cool" and that you consider role models. When in fact, they're the very dregs that you yourself are turning into. Maybe you were like them all along, but no one would ever know, right? It's not like you haven't given up every time shit got hard before. Why go ahead and start your life when there's so much comfort and convenience at your fingertips? You have a driver, a meal ticket, a constant supply of sex and attention. Why would you ever need to do anything for yourself, anyway? Seems so very far fetched for you. Ironically, no one actually respects you. You "try" so hard, and yet at the end of the day, how much did you accomplish? How much did you do to better another person's life that you didn't even know? How much money did you make, and what did you spend it on?

Absolutely nothing. Because you're a waste of life, and you know it, but you'll go on dancing through life because you feel as though you're entitled to everything without having to do ANY of the work. You also don't care how many peoples lives you ruin, how many people you have to step on, how much pain you inflict. As long as you get what you want, and it comes easily, you just don't give a flying fuck. You're content riding your couch for the rest of your life.

I find that completely pathetic, and ironic. Lots of talk, and no action. Then again, you always were great with talking and not actually following through with anything that you say, or promise, or start out to do. You don't even try being yourself anymore. It's so much easier to just put on this "impressive" asshole attitude and "impress" people with your stoic douche bag behavior.

Then again, you were the best at pretending to be yourself. The role you'd receive an Oscar for would be the one you play as "yourself". When people realize that you're really just a lot of smoke and mirrors, and that you're really not that great of a person, they realize that you're only pretending to get what you want..

What a pity.

Truth:

COME TO STAY, OR STAY AWAY.

Gross

Haha, I love my friends. They make me realize how much I'm needed, and wanted, and how special I am. I realized that all before, but lately it's been kinda difficult to hold onto -.-''

So anyway. I've got a whole new plan. Everything is going to go SO good, I can't even wait for it :]

My friend is coming over. I'm so excited... I honestly don't know what I would have done lately without him. He's been my shining star through this whole fucking mess. He's the only guy, aside from my newest friend, that I can honestly trust. Since I decided it was better to trust your friends than those who pretend to be your friends, it's been a lot easier to think about a whole lot of stuff.

Expendable people really aren't needed in my life. And honestly? I've finally decided that it's okay to be me. It's okay to love, and be loved in return. I deserve to be respected. I deserve to feel loved. I deserve to feel as though I trust people. I deserve to feel beautiful, and desired, and special.

I deserve better.

And i'm getting it! I'm so happy.... This is probably the best thing to happen to me in a long, long, LOOOOOOONG ass time. And i'm glad to finally stop being depressed over someone[thing] that honestly didn't matter.

Especially since it was blatantly obvious that I wasn't important to them.

Note to self: Become a priority to yourself, instead of an option to someone else.


:D

Shii's Song

Wishing on a dream that seems far off
Hoping it will come today
Into the starlit night
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze
Waiting on a shootin star

But, what if that star is not to come
Will their dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizon darkens most
We all need to believe there is hope

is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light i've yet to see?
I know my heart should guide me but
Theres a hole within my soul
What will fill this emptiness inside of me
Am I to be satisfied without knowing
I wish then for a chance to see
Now all I need,
Is my star to come.

So /nice/, so ?smart?

i was quiet as a mouse
when i snuck into your house
and took roofies with your spouse
in a nit and out a louse
and lice are lousy all the time
they suck your blood drink your wine
say shut up and quit your crying
give it time and you'll be fine

you're so nice and you're so smart
you're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
just pretend i didn't tear your world apart

i like boys with strong convictions
and convicts with perfect diction
underdogs with good intentions
amputees with stamp collections
plywood skinboards ride the ocean
salty noses suntan lotion
always seriously joking
and rambunctiously soft-spoken
i like boys that like their mothers
and i have a thing for brothers
but they always wait til we're under the covers
to say i'm sure glad we're not lovers

you're so nice and you're so smart
you're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
just pretend i didn't tear your world apart

i like my new bunnysuit
i like my new bunnysuit
i like my new bunnysuit
when i wear it i feel cute

New

I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth

You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic

Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you

So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation

The hours, days, weekends
Ah, the weekend nights alone
Where were you?
In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job - just to have something to do.
Just to have a place to put yourself
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel
so strange and ill at ease inside yourself

Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you'd have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet

Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were gonna talk to you and you
would find out that you were wrong?
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so
strange after all?

Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited because they
thought you were so weird?

Yeah, I think I know you
You spent a lot of time full of hate
A hate that was pure sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time

Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived

Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't, that was home

I know you

You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you

They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive

You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well

You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens

Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time daydreaming
And people have made comment to that effect
Telling you that you're self involved, and self centred

But they don't know, do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection

Well, maybe they do know
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your
apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up

For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient

Yeah, I think I know you

Ghost

I'm kind of afraid that it's going to be the same with this that it was before. That you're going to disappear, just like he did. Am I expecting too much? Is it that I just want to keep everyone I've ever come into contact with as at least a friend? I'm sure that I'm not alone in the whole "don't want to be alone" thing. Most of the time I figure everyone wants to be friends. Especially considering all of the time that was shared.

Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe you are just the same as he was, and still is from what I've been told. I find it ironic that you say one thing about a girl, and though she's "engaged" you find no problem with sticking your tongue down her throat. Maybe it's because she's taken? Maybe it's because she's different? I really don't know. But i'd love to know why. Haha, it's almost kind of silly to think that I believed anything that was said. Yes, I may be upset, but to lie even more even though the anger and disappointment is already there? That's just dumb. To lash out, when I'm obviously trying to just push away from the stressful situation.... That's rude. The language was un necessary. I find that the guilt probably drove it. "I don't care anymore." When did you start caring? That's another question i'd love to have answered.

Maybe it would be better if you just leave. Just disappear. Just like I wish I would sometimes. You're no good. And even though I'd still forgive all of it, I'm giving up on you. You won't try, even though you say that you've tried. Just because you try in the past, doesn't mean you get to stop trying in the present.

Which means you're displacing yourself from my life in the future. Just like him.

Inside, you're ugly.

And you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
But I leave
My burdens at the door

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you
All the times
That I've tried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow wil be OK

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Memories

I'm going to miss the happy times... I'm really going to miss that closeness. The inside jokes, the security. The plans that were made, the songs that were shared.

I'm such a fool.

Every time, this happens. I get so sunk into these people, only for them to mess around on me and tell me one thing, and act a completely different way. "Yes, I will tell you that I love you to your face. I'll also tell you that we'll be together someday. But, I'll also make out with anything that has tits and a heart beat that I can get my hands on that will allow this to happen."

That makes me very, very disappointed.

The good times definitely outweigh the bad times though... In my opinion. I wish with every ounce of my being to go back to that. To get back to what was before everything bad was over taking everything that was good. Remembering when the day met the night... And it was so good, and felt so right. Where did all that go? Why was it so long ago? I don't understand why nothing can be salvaged. That's something I've just gotta accept though. That things change, sometimes permanently, and not always for the better.

But, if there was one wish that I could make?

It would be to get my missing piece and put it back where it belonged. In my heart.

It's a shame that piece's been left in the rain for so long... It doesn't even want to fit back in there anymore.

That's what happens when we lose things that we cherish.

now

Ahhh coffee. It makes everything so much better, and easier to handle.

Maybe it's the caffeine? Idk. All I know is that clarity is so much better with some coffee to assist in the process.

I may not be /your/ princess. But that's okay. I'm special to me. I'm important to me. My feelings matter to me. My sanity matters to me. Even now, you matter to me. But i've been made very aware that you still think you're nose is clean in all that you do. That's fine though.
Because on the path that you're headed down has no good ending. Thinking you'll get anywhere with the habits and people you've picked up is basically a joke. I really hope you learn that at some point, before it's too late. Because i care a whole lot more than i probably should about your well being, but that's not the point.

The mean words that were shared? Doesn't phase me. If that's the type of language and tone you wish to convey, it means that you're scared. That you feel guilty. I wonder what that could possibly make you feel guilty about? I really, really wonder. -eye roll-

At any rate, your life. Not mine. Glad I'm finally getting mine back on track so that when I'm sitting on top I can watch this town burn to the ground.

Maybe

Maybe if I were -

1. Skinnier

2. Prettier

3. More Stupid

4. More conforming

5. A bitch

6. Blond

7. Bland in both personality and thought process

8. Kept all my thoughts and opinions to myself

9. Did anything that you asked at the drop of a hat regardless the consequence

10. NOT ME

Then maybe you would find it in your heart to:

1. Care, in even the slightest form that you're hurting me

2. Try to at least SAY something that makes any sense, and has an ounce of truth to it

3. Feel anything but selfishly, and look outside the box at how you're treating people.

4. Make a decision. Yes, or no. Now, or never. Black, or white.

5. Attempt to remedy your own personality so that others won't be hurt the way you've hurt me.

With these things, I just don't know. It's not as though my opinion matters to you. You've made it BLATANTLY obvious that I don't matter, in the slightest, regardless of what I say or do.

So yeah. I'm sick of the games. I'm sick of the eternal dangling carrot. What's worth fighting for, happiness with someone who doesn't want you, or a life without a person you've grown to love but who you now realize has never cared in the first place.. Whom you've made fantastic memories and made great friends, mutual friends through, and whom you can't ever see your life without, but you feel as though they're fighting tooth and nail to just NOT be in it?

That's a great question.

Witness

I'm looking for hope... I'm looking for salvation. I'm looking for a love once lost, that I believe can be salvaged. I wish I had some more hope... That little spark is flickering, it's so weak...

Can I get some assistance?

White Horse

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naíve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance,
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess
This ain't our fairytale
I'm gonna find someone, someday
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rear view mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.

Faith

Love. What is there in love that one cannot find in any one friend?

Without trust there is no love.

So why cannot we love one's best friend?

Because that's just now how it works. Being "in love" and LOVING someone is totally different.
I think that to be "in love" with a person, you'd be willing to give up personal comfort for them to make sure that they are happy. That you would be willing to give up certain things, well, not necessarily "give up" so much as chill back on. Such as smoking, drinking, partying, etc. if your partner or lover was bothered by such things. Also, I find it difficult to believe that any one person who believes in monogamy would say that they trust their partner enough to believe that while they are out drinking or becoming intoxicated in any way that they wouldn't be even slightly tempted to do something devious with other people.
That being said, if one would happen to find out about another person coming into the what should have been dynamic relationship, creating a trifecta of sorts... That, I believe, would be grounds enough not to trust. That the trust would be broken by the sheer fact that the love has been distributed between more than just the beginning pair. There shouldn't be that type of problem if someones "in love" with you. That shouldn't even be an issue. But then again...

That's only my opinion.

And regardless of how much thought is put into actions, anyone can see that it's wrong to hang on another person while in an exclusive relationship. Just saying.

Watch

What would you do if I just disappeared? What would happen if I deleted everything... Facebook, Myspace, all my blogs... Turned off my phone, unplugged my laptop. Just disappeared. What would change? Honestly, what would be different?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing. And you know why? Because this is a very one sided perspective at this point.

Not as though it hasn't been for a while now. BUT HONESTLY.
What would happen?
What would you do?
Would you worry?
Would you try to find me?
Would you try and ask around?

I'd love to know. Because at this point, I'd just love to see what the answer would be, I'm feeling that it'd be pretty damn obvious. But yeah, it won't be obvious because nobody fucking gets that obvious is what's supposed to happen. Nobody sees because they don't want to see. They're blinded by what everyone else thinks and that's all they're content on seeing. I can understand. It's so much easier to just take everyone else that talks as god, that their word is right. So much easier not to think for yourself. So much easier to run from problems than to assess them, and to try and solve them. Yeah. I know it's easier.

But EASY is not always RIGHT.
EASY is not always what's NEEDED, or what's BEST.

Not that it matters. But it matters to me.

morphine

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

gone

I want to raise up. I want to go high into the sky, make my way into the clouds... I want to fly away, to find where I'm supposed to be. I feel like I'm so hindered by my emotions... Sometimes, I feel like the time where I was stony eyed, and built walls towards everyone... Those times were the easiest. Never had to worry about trusting anyone but myself... Allowed myself to be a stone, a wall for people to lean on and to whisper secrets to... Never revealing, always holding my own regardless of the weather.

I feel like finding a hole in my wall has made me a weaker person. To have allowed the rain, and the wind, and the sun beating down on me to have worn a weak point in my defenses...

I can't believe that I've done this to myself.

Most of the time, I think to myself, "just pad a little bit of cement in there, it'll heal with time."
But with the amount of time I've lived with the hole there, I feel as though it keeps getting bigger and bigger. I feel like it's getting harder and harder to want to put the walls back up...

And that scares me.

I don't want to be vulnerable anymore. I'm sick of being taken advantage of... Apparently I've got a huge sign that says "HEY this girl LOVES being kicked in the ass! Also, she loves having people tell her lies ALL the time! Oh, and by the way, she LOVES when people think she's easily fooled, or that she's a fucking retard!" following me around like a huge specter....

Well, I've decided that the walls are going back up. There's no sense in letting things so trivial get in the way of my happiness anymore. I'm tired of letting people feel as though it'll be okay to do this, because it's not like she's ever going to find out. Or I can do this because even if I say anything she'll forgive me. Or even if I say this to her, regardless of how heinous she might think it is, it doesn't matter because she's a fucking psycho anyway and doesn't deserve what she has anyway, so why let her think she does?

I'm feeling very alone at this point. As though I can't trust a single soul. Not even the one(s) that I felt that had my back in everything... The one(s) that I trusted with my heart, my soul, and my sanity... I don't know why I do this to myself over and over again. I'm so tired of bearing my soul and having my heart torn to shreds in front of me, only to have the pieces spit on and ground into the dirt over, and over, and over again.

Is there no proof that good exists in the faces of some people? Is there not a single spark left in anyone's eyes that I don't have to question? Why is trust so hard to gain, but so easily lost? I'm so tired...

So very tired...

merrr

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, so take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Pain make your way to me, to me.
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start, start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Now I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

Make Believe is better than reality

And now I'm all alone again, no where to go no one to turn to,
Without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to,
And now the night is near,
And I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

orly

The many moments that I had treasured... Every single one. The ones that I can remember, me blaming my short memory... I can't give up on that once felt and greatly missed happiness and security. Every word to every song that I listen to is telling a story that I've already heard so many times before. Part of me says, what in the world is the point of sitting here and listening to the same songs on repeat? What's the sense in letting the same thing happen over, and over, and over again?

It's difficult to let go. I don't want to let go... I don't feel as though I should have to allow myself to rip away from what I thought once to be something growing into a great thing. I don't feel as though I should have to destroy it in my head... It would not make me happy. I cannot be happy with forgetting my past... Though that's what it will always remain.

I feel as though somehow, I'm cursed. Every time I have something good, either it is destroyed or disappears. I can't understand how that continues to happen when at first, I tried to be so careful... Then, when I threw care aside, the same thing happened. Then, trying to not care too much and not care too little.... The whole thing ruins again, and again, and again.

Is there honestly something wrong with me? Is there something that I'm just perpetually doing wrong that I might be able to fix? What is this flaw, this apparently obvious defect that I'm not self-dissecting quite meticulously enough to find? If anyone can shed some light on that, I'd really appreciate it. I'd like to end up happy at some point in this fucking life. Losing everyone and everything you love slowly but surely makes you feel like worthless shit. And trust me....

It also makes you feel like you're losing your mind as well.
Maybe insanity would be better.
Maybe it'd be better not to exist at all.

I've always cared... And always, always will. Think me weak. Think whatever you want. I can't help the way I feel. I would wait until the end of the world because I knew it was right to do so. Because honestly? You don't just run away and hide when things get rough. You stick together. You don't just hide from problems. You fix them, try to resolve them. When you truly, really love someone.... You'd do ANYTHING. Anything for them, regardless of what that might be to make them happy. That's what love is all about. Without trust, without compassion, without faith... There is no love. Without any glimmer of hope... There can't be love.

Winner take all

I dont wanna talk
About the things weve gone through
Though its hurting me
Now its history
Ive played all my cards
And thats what youve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
Thats her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking Id be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
Its simple and its plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I dont wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
Youve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

Another.

EMMA:
I sit and watch the rain,
And see my tears run down the windowpane...

LUCY:
I sit and watch the sky.
And I can hear it breathe a sign...

EMMA:
I think of him,
How we were...

LUCY:
And when I think of him,
Then I remember...

LUCY/EMMA:
Remember...

EMMA:
In his eyes I can see
Where my heart longs to be!

LUCY:
In his eyes I see a gentle glow,
And that's where I'll be safe, I know!

EMMA:
Safe in his arms, close to his heart...

LUCY:
But I don't know quite where to start...

EMMA:
By looking in his eyes,
Will I see beyond tomorrow?

LUCY:
By looking in his eyes,
Will I see beyond the sorrow
That I feel?

EMMA:
Will his eyes reveal to me
Promises or lies?

LUCY:
But he can't conceal from me
The love in his eyes!

EMMA:
I know their every look,
His eyes!

LUCY:
They're like an open book,
His eyes!

LUCY/EMMA:
But most of all the look
That hypnotized me!

EMMA:
If I'm wise,
I will walk away,
And gladly...

LUCY:
But, sadly,
I'm not wise,
It's hard to talk away
The mem'ries that you prize!

EMMA:
Love is worth forgiving for!

LUCY:
Now I realize -

LUCY/EMMA:
Everything worth living for
Is there, in his eyes!

EMMA:
Love is worth forgiving for!
Now I realize -

LUCY:
Now I realize -

LUCY/EMMA:
Everything worth living for
Is there, in his eyes!

This is it

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.

Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but Im gone.
Cause I die, without you.

wah

I wish i could be the everything they were to me. I know now that one person can't be anything more than just one person... They can't really be the world to anyone. It doesn't work that way.

If it worked that way, there would be half the amount of broken hearts, and half the amount of soiled expectations. There would be more smiles, and less tears. There would be more happy people, and less naive fools trusting when they should have been hardening themselves for the inevitable.

I guess I deserve this. Somehow, I definitely deserve this. Yeah...

Get over it you silly, silly little girl.

You think too hard on things that are far, far from your control. The only thing you have a hold of is your own self, and that's all you'll have to hold onto until you die. So, get used to it. It's not as though you haven't been this way before.

But I tell myself these things to try and cover up the sad, painful fact that I'm not looking forward to being alone. The thought of the constant silence.... Not a fan. Not a fan at all. The images that play tricks on my mind... Also not a big fan.

Yeah. The thoughts of what's going to happen in the future... They always turn into sour apples.

nausiated

The thought... Just the THOUGHT... Makes me feel so terrible. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I want to scream to the sky and throw myself to the ground and kick and flail and throw an epic fit... But I can't. I don't typically do that

I'm really not feeling that great. I want to cry... I need a hug.

I feel like everything that I hold dear, that I love, that's important to me is slipping away.

I want some closure... I need to have some sort of anchor that I know will stay with me regardless of what happens. So much of my life has become fluid... I'm never sure about much. Trust has become a big issue with me. I don't know who I can trust and who I'll never be able to... I want that one thing, the trust that I can't seem to find.

Without trust, there is no love.

I need some sort of closure.. I need it, because without that I'm going to doubt everything.

I'm beginning to question everything. Absolutely everything.