Julie and Julia

I enjoyed that movie immensely.. I really enjoy cooking. It made me remember when I was younger, and when I'd make up my own recipes that really didn't work... GOD did they suck..

I was thinking about starting to cook a lot more now that I've got a job that makes me sit all day with nothing to do but talk on the phone. I feel like I can relate to the Julie character a lot... Aside from the fact that I'm negative one husband.
We're both moderately neurotic... She's sweet, funny, has a job that sucks answering stupid phones... I feel for her, and can relate to her.

I'm retarded.

But anyway, it made me think... What if somehow I cooked my way to being okay? To being happy again? What if me thinking and planning isn't what I need to do right now... I just need to create. I've cranked out more paintings and songs and poems than I can handle at this point. My ennui is showing... (lawl)
I can't continue to sit here and torture myself and tell myself that it was all my fault anymore. I can't just destroy my self esteem and my sanity by sitting here, hoping someday things will change for the better. Praying to myself and whatever's there to listen that a change will occur that will make my life better, and happy again...
I so want to be okay again. I've sunk into this hole, this precipice.. and i'm having a really hard time getting out of this bullshit funk. *lol the funk*
But i'm going to be better no matter how hard it is... I'm not going to let my emotions control me anymore. If I'm in love and lonely for the rest of my life, so be it. At least i'll know that I care, if no one else does. At least I can look at myself in the mirror every day and not be completely disgusted by what I see in it. I'm okay with being alone most of the time. All of the time? Not so much... But most of the time? I can handle it.
I want to make cookies.