I know what youre doing,
I see it all to clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born
Theres not much to examine, theres nothing left to hide
You really cant be serious if you have to ask me why
I say good-bye...
Cause I am barely breathing
And I cant find the air
I dont know who Im kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I dont suppose its worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
Everyone keeps asking, whats it all about?
I used to be so certain and I cant figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
Theres nothing left to reason and only you to blame Will it ever change?
Cause I am barely breathing
And I cant find the air
I dont know who Im kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I dont suppose its worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But Im thinking it over anyway...
Ive come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?
I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please dont come and go
Cause I am barely breathing
And I cant find the air
I dont know who Im kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I dont suppose its worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But Im thinking it over anyway
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Chapter dux
Obviously nothing is going to change unless someone put's forth some sort of effort to make it happen. I'm getting by. I'm doing my best to make the best of the worst in everything. I'm becoming steady again. The world's been spinning wayyyy to fast for me to hold onto lately, but I think i'm finally standing on solid ground. The way I see it?
If i'm not wanted, then I wasn't meant to be there in the first place.
If I'm not needed, then somewhere someone is thinking "I need someone."
If I'm told "you're worthless" by one person, to a hundred more I mean so much.
If I think to myself, "they think you mean nothing..." Someone's going to come out and say "stfu you're so fucking important omg.." and actually mean it.
I'm glad that I can look into this dark place and finally find a little piece of light and shiny here and there. I've always adored things that glow... Most of the time I will stop by the side of the road and pick up something that's shiny if I feel inclined enough to do so.
At one point, I was told it was endearing. (eye roll)
I was told that my bizarre tendencies made me quirky and fun. But, i've been told that certain people find it embarrassing and offensive.
Fuck that.
Fuck those people who won't try and tolerate me for who I am, and who I've always been. I don't have to ACT to receive and maintain friendships. I am myself, and people still love me, and I still love myself. Regardless of how often I put myself down, or how fat I tell myself that I am, or how ugly I tell myself that I am, or how much criticism I face day to day... I'm me, and I've never had to change that to be accepted by anyone. Not a single person. Not a bloody one.
I'm changing physically every day. There's so much waiting for me... I'm scared as shit to go after it because it means leaving my comfort zone and actually trying to do something. BUT GUESS THE FUCK WHAT that's what LIFE is about! Change, movement, removing yourself from your comfort zone and putting yourself out there, finding people, loving people, hating people [cough] some more than others, others less than most, but fucking god there's gotta be more to life than this fucked up town. I hate it here so much... It's as though this is the cesspool of the East Coast, closest to NJ to be tainted but far enough away from NY to be disgustingly out dated.
I'm above EVERYONE ELSE'S influence but my own. I don't let people make my decisions for me. Sure, I ask for HELP, because i'm not above getting some constructive advice and criticism. I enjoy asking for advice. It makes me grow instead of sitting in ignorance. That's why I enjoy talking to people that I trust. I get constructive, positive criticism, kind but stern words about anything and everything that I could possibly have a problem with.
I miss the comfort that I once found in the arms of someone else. The seemingly kind words, the kisses that filled me with warmth, the moments that I would have stayed in forever had I been given the chance... But, unfortunately there is no future for that. Not even in friendship. There is only hurt, and empty feelings. But the only person who I /need/, who I can rely on, and trust fully... Is myself. That's the only person who I can go to after a long day, meditate with, talk to [as crazy as that sounds] and rationalize anything that I've thought about. If I need assistance, I go to my green, and my yellow. I can rely on them, as well as my bird. And also my two loves. I can rely on my friends to be there for me, through ANYTHING. Anything that could possibly go wrong, they're there for me. Because true friendship, like true love, is through better or worse. Through thick and through thin. It's unbreakable, it forgives, it is understanding. It doesn't intend to cause pain, and it apologizes when there are no other ways to give advice. It is empathetic... That's what friendship is to me.
If i'm not wanted, then I wasn't meant to be there in the first place.
If I'm not needed, then somewhere someone is thinking "I need someone."
If I'm told "you're worthless" by one person, to a hundred more I mean so much.
If I think to myself, "they think you mean nothing..." Someone's going to come out and say "stfu you're so fucking important omg.." and actually mean it.
I'm glad that I can look into this dark place and finally find a little piece of light and shiny here and there. I've always adored things that glow... Most of the time I will stop by the side of the road and pick up something that's shiny if I feel inclined enough to do so.
At one point, I was told it was endearing. (eye roll)
I was told that my bizarre tendencies made me quirky and fun. But, i've been told that certain people find it embarrassing and offensive.
Fuck that.
Fuck those people who won't try and tolerate me for who I am, and who I've always been. I don't have to ACT to receive and maintain friendships. I am myself, and people still love me, and I still love myself. Regardless of how often I put myself down, or how fat I tell myself that I am, or how ugly I tell myself that I am, or how much criticism I face day to day... I'm me, and I've never had to change that to be accepted by anyone. Not a single person. Not a bloody one.
I'm changing physically every day. There's so much waiting for me... I'm scared as shit to go after it because it means leaving my comfort zone and actually trying to do something. BUT GUESS THE FUCK WHAT that's what LIFE is about! Change, movement, removing yourself from your comfort zone and putting yourself out there, finding people, loving people, hating people [cough] some more than others, others less than most, but fucking god there's gotta be more to life than this fucked up town. I hate it here so much... It's as though this is the cesspool of the East Coast, closest to NJ to be tainted but far enough away from NY to be disgustingly out dated.
I'm above EVERYONE ELSE'S influence but my own. I don't let people make my decisions for me. Sure, I ask for HELP, because i'm not above getting some constructive advice and criticism. I enjoy asking for advice. It makes me grow instead of sitting in ignorance. That's why I enjoy talking to people that I trust. I get constructive, positive criticism, kind but stern words about anything and everything that I could possibly have a problem with.
I miss the comfort that I once found in the arms of someone else. The seemingly kind words, the kisses that filled me with warmth, the moments that I would have stayed in forever had I been given the chance... But, unfortunately there is no future for that. Not even in friendship. There is only hurt, and empty feelings. But the only person who I /need/, who I can rely on, and trust fully... Is myself. That's the only person who I can go to after a long day, meditate with, talk to [as crazy as that sounds] and rationalize anything that I've thought about. If I need assistance, I go to my green, and my yellow. I can rely on them, as well as my bird. And also my two loves. I can rely on my friends to be there for me, through ANYTHING. Anything that could possibly go wrong, they're there for me. Because true friendship, like true love, is through better or worse. Through thick and through thin. It's unbreakable, it forgives, it is understanding. It doesn't intend to cause pain, and it apologizes when there are no other ways to give advice. It is empathetic... That's what friendship is to me.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
She's not afraid
Lyrics to Her Eyes :
She's not afraid; she just likes to use her night light
When she gets paid, true religion gets it all
If they fit right.
She's a little bit manic, completely organic
Doesn't panic for the most part.
She's old enough to know, and young enough not to say no
To any chance that she gets for home plate tickets to see the Mets.
Like everybody, she's in over her head,
Dreads Feds, Grateful Dead, and doesn't take meds.
She's a Gemini Capricorn
Thinks all men are addicted to porn.
I don't agree with her half the time,
But, damn I'm glad she's mine.
Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.
She got the kinda strength that every man wishes he had.
She loved Michael Jackson up until he made Bad.
Tells me that she lives about a hundred lives,
Scares me to death when she thinks and drives,
Says cowboy hats make her look fat,
and I'm so glad she's mine.
Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.
She doesn't know the word 'impossible'
Don't care where I've been and doesn't care where we're goin' to.
She takes me as I am, and that ain't easy.
She's beautiful. So beautiful.
And sometimes I think she's truly crazy.
And I love it.
Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Always meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.
Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Always meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.
She's not afraid; she just likes to use her night light
She's not afraid; she just likes to use her night light
When she gets paid, true religion gets it all
If they fit right.
She's a little bit manic, completely organic
Doesn't panic for the most part.
She's old enough to know, and young enough not to say no
To any chance that she gets for home plate tickets to see the Mets.
Like everybody, she's in over her head,
Dreads Feds, Grateful Dead, and doesn't take meds.
She's a Gemini Capricorn
Thinks all men are addicted to porn.
I don't agree with her half the time,
But, damn I'm glad she's mine.
Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.
She got the kinda strength that every man wishes he had.
She loved Michael Jackson up until he made Bad.
Tells me that she lives about a hundred lives,
Scares me to death when she thinks and drives,
Says cowboy hats make her look fat,
and I'm so glad she's mine.
Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.
She doesn't know the word 'impossible'
Don't care where I've been and doesn't care where we're goin' to.
She takes me as I am, and that ain't easy.
She's beautiful. So beautiful.
And sometimes I think she's truly crazy.
And I love it.
Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Always meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.
Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Always meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.
She's not afraid; she just likes to use her night light
Superstitious
very superstitious
writings on the wall
I went to a wedding yesterday. My friends Lucy and Jeff got married... They make such an adorable couple. They've been through Hell and back, and even though they're still brushing ash off their shoulders, they're still doing it together, with their hands held tight and fingers laced. Their bond is unbreakable, and they're going to make it through everything and anything together.
During the reception, they had the typical bouquet toss. Everyone was all anxious to get in front, and my friend Emily forced me to participate (even though I thought it pointless to try and be involved in something that at this point I can't even think about...) in the throwing... But, once it was thrown, everyone backed towards the sides of the stage and I was the only one left. It was headed towards my face, and I caught it. I've never caught the bouquet before, at any one's wedding. To catch the bouquet means that you are the next one to be married.
I'm a pretty superstitious person. I don't enjoy spilling salt, I knock on wood... I carry a lucky dollar that I've had for almost a year. I do things on certain days that i think are the most fortunately lucky. Though my luck isn't good, I try anyway and hope for the best. That's how I am with anything...
I got the garter too. Well, inadvertently. It was thrown to the boys, and the one who caught it put it on my leg. The DJ said, "you know, the higher you put it the luckier it is!" That was probably the most awkward thing that's happened to me in a long time, lol... This guy I didn't know, had never met, stuck his hands half way up my skirt nearly mid thigh to stick this damn garter on my leg. That's apparently lucky too.
The whole event was beautiful. I love weddings, and think that they're a very good part of the human event cycle. No matter what other people think... If one person doesn't want me, there's got to be somebody out there who does. No matter what happens with the people whom I date, if they hate me in the end or start to spread nasty rumors, or decide to cheat on me or beat me up physically or abuse me emotionally... No matter how bad it gets, I've got hope that some day I'll be able to walk down an isle into the arms of someone who's willing to do anything for me, and whom will accept that I'm willing to do anything for them. Someone, who for better or worse, will try to make me happy and try and accept me for all that I am, and who I was meant to be.
There has to be someone out there, past, present or future, who wants to be with me. I know that it'll happen someday.
I'm going to have those twins come hell or high water, even if I have to adopt them. Power of positive thinking. Think positive, think positive, think positive.
I'm going to try my best to avoid all things that would drag me down into depression. Though, I'm very nearly at rock bottom, finding nothing left in this dark place but muck and sadness, loneliness, isolation... Not much hope to go around when all you keep hearing is "give up, stop caring, move on, get over it..." and especially when you're the kind of person who refuses to take failure as an answer... I guess walking away isn't really giving up. It's just trying to grow when you are forced to accept the loss of a loved one, or a lover, or a best friend... No matter how badly you want them in your life, you can't control what other people think or do. You can only control how you react to it, and try and make it the most positive thing that you can without going completely insane...
I don't know. My friends care. They have good intentions, i'm sure. I just wish that there was a way to get what I want and not have to go through any more pain. The crying myself to sleep gig is kinda getting old. The not being able to listen to anything on my iPod without sobbing is starting to get really boring, too. I can't help it, but once old wounds are torn open it's hard to just kind of solder it closed... It takes time, and bandages, and antiseptic, and bandaids and love...
I so desperately need and deserve love.
writings on the wall
I went to a wedding yesterday. My friends Lucy and Jeff got married... They make such an adorable couple. They've been through Hell and back, and even though they're still brushing ash off their shoulders, they're still doing it together, with their hands held tight and fingers laced. Their bond is unbreakable, and they're going to make it through everything and anything together.
During the reception, they had the typical bouquet toss. Everyone was all anxious to get in front, and my friend Emily forced me to participate (even though I thought it pointless to try and be involved in something that at this point I can't even think about...) in the throwing... But, once it was thrown, everyone backed towards the sides of the stage and I was the only one left. It was headed towards my face, and I caught it. I've never caught the bouquet before, at any one's wedding. To catch the bouquet means that you are the next one to be married.
I'm a pretty superstitious person. I don't enjoy spilling salt, I knock on wood... I carry a lucky dollar that I've had for almost a year. I do things on certain days that i think are the most fortunately lucky. Though my luck isn't good, I try anyway and hope for the best. That's how I am with anything...
I got the garter too. Well, inadvertently. It was thrown to the boys, and the one who caught it put it on my leg. The DJ said, "you know, the higher you put it the luckier it is!" That was probably the most awkward thing that's happened to me in a long time, lol... This guy I didn't know, had never met, stuck his hands half way up my skirt nearly mid thigh to stick this damn garter on my leg. That's apparently lucky too.
The whole event was beautiful. I love weddings, and think that they're a very good part of the human event cycle. No matter what other people think... If one person doesn't want me, there's got to be somebody out there who does. No matter what happens with the people whom I date, if they hate me in the end or start to spread nasty rumors, or decide to cheat on me or beat me up physically or abuse me emotionally... No matter how bad it gets, I've got hope that some day I'll be able to walk down an isle into the arms of someone who's willing to do anything for me, and whom will accept that I'm willing to do anything for them. Someone, who for better or worse, will try to make me happy and try and accept me for all that I am, and who I was meant to be.
There has to be someone out there, past, present or future, who wants to be with me. I know that it'll happen someday.
I'm going to have those twins come hell or high water, even if I have to adopt them. Power of positive thinking. Think positive, think positive, think positive.
I'm going to try my best to avoid all things that would drag me down into depression. Though, I'm very nearly at rock bottom, finding nothing left in this dark place but muck and sadness, loneliness, isolation... Not much hope to go around when all you keep hearing is "give up, stop caring, move on, get over it..." and especially when you're the kind of person who refuses to take failure as an answer... I guess walking away isn't really giving up. It's just trying to grow when you are forced to accept the loss of a loved one, or a lover, or a best friend... No matter how badly you want them in your life, you can't control what other people think or do. You can only control how you react to it, and try and make it the most positive thing that you can without going completely insane...
I don't know. My friends care. They have good intentions, i'm sure. I just wish that there was a way to get what I want and not have to go through any more pain. The crying myself to sleep gig is kinda getting old. The not being able to listen to anything on my iPod without sobbing is starting to get really boring, too. I can't help it, but once old wounds are torn open it's hard to just kind of solder it closed... It takes time, and bandages, and antiseptic, and bandaids and love...
I so desperately need and deserve love.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
horoscope (om..)
Things just don't seem workable to you right now, but that doesn't mean you should give up! Far from it -- now is the time for you step up your efforts and see if you can't pull off a miracle ending.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Horoscope dose
Your friendly energy is perfect for small-scale social engagements that keep you busy all day long -- and keep those around you happier than ever! Make sure to include them all in your day's business.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
empty
The hope I had at one point seems to be fading away. I mean, I've got it... But slowly it's being whittled away as more and more bad news seems to knock at my door.
I miss the physical closeness. I miss the hand holding, and the small brushes of cheek to cheek, of lips to skin. I'm not going to experience that anymore, and it feels terrible. I don't know... I feel like im just disappearing into nothing. Most of the time I think, "maybe if I had done something better, it would have been different." "maybe if I had tried harder, things would still be okay." "maybe if something hadn't of come up, or developed, then it would all be better."
Would have could have should have, maybe's if and could be's....
I'm never going to be in a position where i'm accepted, understood, forgiven... Loved. All at the same time. Why can't I find a god damn happy medium?!? I thought that I had found it. Then something changed... I'd love to know what it was. So that if I can't fix what's happened, and try to remedy my mistake, then I could learn and move on so i don't fuck up anything in the future the way I have. I thought that I'd finally found my missing piece... My one and only. The part i've been searching for for my whole life... I'm being screamed at for writing that, but honestly that's how i felt. There's no way anyone can be upset with me when I've got an opinion. this is still America. We're still allowed to write what we want for now. But even though my feelings are unchanging, my heart still put on lay-away, it sucks because at this rate... It'll never be picked up, or paid for. There will be no happy ending at this point. there is no future, there is no past.
There is only now, and even now can't last. Moments fade, time continues.
I miss the physical closeness. I miss the hand holding, and the small brushes of cheek to cheek, of lips to skin. I'm not going to experience that anymore, and it feels terrible. I don't know... I feel like im just disappearing into nothing. Most of the time I think, "maybe if I had done something better, it would have been different." "maybe if I had tried harder, things would still be okay." "maybe if something hadn't of come up, or developed, then it would all be better."
Would have could have should have, maybe's if and could be's....
I'm never going to be in a position where i'm accepted, understood, forgiven... Loved. All at the same time. Why can't I find a god damn happy medium?!? I thought that I had found it. Then something changed... I'd love to know what it was. So that if I can't fix what's happened, and try to remedy my mistake, then I could learn and move on so i don't fuck up anything in the future the way I have. I thought that I'd finally found my missing piece... My one and only. The part i've been searching for for my whole life... I'm being screamed at for writing that, but honestly that's how i felt. There's no way anyone can be upset with me when I've got an opinion. this is still America. We're still allowed to write what we want for now. But even though my feelings are unchanging, my heart still put on lay-away, it sucks because at this rate... It'll never be picked up, or paid for. There will be no happy ending at this point. there is no future, there is no past.
There is only now, and even now can't last. Moments fade, time continues.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Horoscope
Your creative and practical sides are perfectly aligned today, and that gives you a big leg up at work or anywhere else you have to compete. You may find yourself on track for a big promotion
Friday, September 18, 2009
Ashes and Wine
don’t know what to do anymore
I’ve lost the only love worth fighting for
I’ll drown in my tear storming sea
that would show you,
that would make you hurt like me
all the same,
I don’t want mud-slinging games
it’s just a shame
to let you walk away
is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?
don’t know if our fate’s already sealed
this day’s a spinning circus on a wheel
I’m ill with the thought of your kiss
coffee-laced, intoxicating on her lips
shut it out, I’ve got no claim on you now
I’m not allowed to wear your freedom down
is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?
I’ll tear myself away
if that what you need
there is nothing left to say
is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?
reduced to ashes and wine
or are we ashes…
I’ve lost the only love worth fighting for
I’ll drown in my tear storming sea
that would show you,
that would make you hurt like me
all the same,
I don’t want mud-slinging games
it’s just a shame
to let you walk away
is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?
don’t know if our fate’s already sealed
this day’s a spinning circus on a wheel
I’m ill with the thought of your kiss
coffee-laced, intoxicating on her lips
shut it out, I’ve got no claim on you now
I’m not allowed to wear your freedom down
is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?
I’ll tear myself away
if that what you need
there is nothing left to say
is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?
reduced to ashes and wine
or are we ashes…
Factor.
The i love you factor. Being able to say "I love you" even after someone's told you that they've got terminal cancer.
Do you have it?
Do you have it?
Near to you
He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back
Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Yet, I'm better near to you.
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back
Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Yet, I'm better near to you.
/almost/ lover.
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
Crawl
Though this song is pretty much demeaning, I really enjoy it.
So much of me died with you
An ocean I've cried for you
There is nothing I wouldn't give just to say my last goodbye to you
I laid it all on the table
Now it's all on the floor
It's worth nothing
It's worth nothing to you
Anymore
I would beg
I would plead
I would crawl
On my hands and my knees
To try to restore her faith in me
I would crawl
On my hands and my knees
I would crawl
Just to be with you
Just to be with you
I'd give up an eternity if I could only to come home to you
But your garden is empty
All your flowers are dead
I tried to keep it growing
But there's no light there
I would beg
I would plead
I would crawl
On my hands and my knees
To try to restore
Your faith in me
I would crawl
On my hands and my knees
You know I would beg
You know I would plead
I would crawl through hell on my knees
Just to be with you
Just to be with you
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Unconditional
After all of it. After every word, after every broken promise, after every bitter tear...
I'd still give up the world I know for one in which I could be loved, and in love one more time.
The empty side of my bed is so cold. It used to be filled, and also very warm. It used to be inviting, and I used to look forward to waking up to kisses on my neck and shoulders. The smile in the eyes that loved me, it would brighten my day. The hands that held mine, that played with my hair, that tugged at my belt loops playfully... The arms that I once rested in, felt protected within, they were warm on the coldest of days. The embrace, the kisses, the passion...
The feeling. The closeness. Where did it all go?
If only there were such a thing to look forward to tomorrow. Maybe, someday, at some point... But even hoping for that now is probably so far fetched. Who could know at this point in their lives what they truly desire? Though I've pretty much had mine planned out since I was in kindergarten... The long months, followed by the one fantastic day, followed then by the future filled with growth, learning, and wonderful memories...
I'm not looking forward to waiting, but I guess at this point... I have no choice but to accept and move on, or to sit here and die.
Death seems so inviting at times. A friend of mine and I were speaking of religion, and were talking of whether or not suicide was like a sort of "reset" feature on life... As in, if you were to displace yourself from the life you know now, is that what you're essentially SUPPOSED to do to reach the final divine? Or is it like, you kill yourself, and you get to go on one more time, to change the things that you did before, to right the wrongs and fix what's been broken.
Part of me wonders. Hmm...
How likely am I to consider pressing the blinking red light of death on my system?
We don't know why we're here. That's fine. I could care less, because up until recently life's been pretty groovy. Live, learn, strive, survive.
But what if the true meaning is to know when to stop? To realize your limit, and that it's okay to just go to sleep? To, in essence, "reset" your life?
That's a good question. So many questions.
I'd still give up the world I know for one in which I could be loved, and in love one more time.
The empty side of my bed is so cold. It used to be filled, and also very warm. It used to be inviting, and I used to look forward to waking up to kisses on my neck and shoulders. The smile in the eyes that loved me, it would brighten my day. The hands that held mine, that played with my hair, that tugged at my belt loops playfully... The arms that I once rested in, felt protected within, they were warm on the coldest of days. The embrace, the kisses, the passion...
The feeling. The closeness. Where did it all go?
If only there were such a thing to look forward to tomorrow. Maybe, someday, at some point... But even hoping for that now is probably so far fetched. Who could know at this point in their lives what they truly desire? Though I've pretty much had mine planned out since I was in kindergarten... The long months, followed by the one fantastic day, followed then by the future filled with growth, learning, and wonderful memories...
I'm not looking forward to waiting, but I guess at this point... I have no choice but to accept and move on, or to sit here and die.
Death seems so inviting at times. A friend of mine and I were speaking of religion, and were talking of whether or not suicide was like a sort of "reset" feature on life... As in, if you were to displace yourself from the life you know now, is that what you're essentially SUPPOSED to do to reach the final divine? Or is it like, you kill yourself, and you get to go on one more time, to change the things that you did before, to right the wrongs and fix what's been broken.
Part of me wonders. Hmm...
How likely am I to consider pressing the blinking red light of death on my system?
We don't know why we're here. That's fine. I could care less, because up until recently life's been pretty groovy. Live, learn, strive, survive.
But what if the true meaning is to know when to stop? To realize your limit, and that it's okay to just go to sleep? To, in essence, "reset" your life?
That's a good question. So many questions.
Coward
You are. You have no drive. You get these ideas, and you're just too scared to follow through. Sure, you've got some pretty good intentions. But you're too afraid. You're afraid to leave your comfort zone. Mommy's womb and daddy's house would be too far away if you were to actually do anything with your life.
You surround yourself with people who you think are interesting, that are "cool" and that you consider role models. When in fact, they're the very dregs that you yourself are turning into. Maybe you were like them all along, but no one would ever know, right? It's not like you haven't given up every time shit got hard before. Why go ahead and start your life when there's so much comfort and convenience at your fingertips? You have a driver, a meal ticket, a constant supply of sex and attention. Why would you ever need to do anything for yourself, anyway? Seems so very far fetched for you. Ironically, no one actually respects you. You "try" so hard, and yet at the end of the day, how much did you accomplish? How much did you do to better another person's life that you didn't even know? How much money did you make, and what did you spend it on?
Absolutely nothing. Because you're a waste of life, and you know it, but you'll go on dancing through life because you feel as though you're entitled to everything without having to do ANY of the work. You also don't care how many peoples lives you ruin, how many people you have to step on, how much pain you inflict. As long as you get what you want, and it comes easily, you just don't give a flying fuck. You're content riding your couch for the rest of your life.
I find that completely pathetic, and ironic. Lots of talk, and no action. Then again, you always were great with talking and not actually following through with anything that you say, or promise, or start out to do. You don't even try being yourself anymore. It's so much easier to just put on this "impressive" asshole attitude and "impress" people with your stoic douche bag behavior.
Then again, you were the best at pretending to be yourself. The role you'd receive an Oscar for would be the one you play as "yourself". When people realize that you're really just a lot of smoke and mirrors, and that you're really not that great of a person, they realize that you're only pretending to get what you want..
What a pity.
You surround yourself with people who you think are interesting, that are "cool" and that you consider role models. When in fact, they're the very dregs that you yourself are turning into. Maybe you were like them all along, but no one would ever know, right? It's not like you haven't given up every time shit got hard before. Why go ahead and start your life when there's so much comfort and convenience at your fingertips? You have a driver, a meal ticket, a constant supply of sex and attention. Why would you ever need to do anything for yourself, anyway? Seems so very far fetched for you. Ironically, no one actually respects you. You "try" so hard, and yet at the end of the day, how much did you accomplish? How much did you do to better another person's life that you didn't even know? How much money did you make, and what did you spend it on?
Absolutely nothing. Because you're a waste of life, and you know it, but you'll go on dancing through life because you feel as though you're entitled to everything without having to do ANY of the work. You also don't care how many peoples lives you ruin, how many people you have to step on, how much pain you inflict. As long as you get what you want, and it comes easily, you just don't give a flying fuck. You're content riding your couch for the rest of your life.
I find that completely pathetic, and ironic. Lots of talk, and no action. Then again, you always were great with talking and not actually following through with anything that you say, or promise, or start out to do. You don't even try being yourself anymore. It's so much easier to just put on this "impressive" asshole attitude and "impress" people with your stoic douche bag behavior.
Then again, you were the best at pretending to be yourself. The role you'd receive an Oscar for would be the one you play as "yourself". When people realize that you're really just a lot of smoke and mirrors, and that you're really not that great of a person, they realize that you're only pretending to get what you want..
What a pity.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Gross
Haha, I love my friends. They make me realize how much I'm needed, and wanted, and how special I am. I realized that all before, but lately it's been kinda difficult to hold onto -.-''
So anyway. I've got a whole new plan. Everything is going to go SO good, I can't even wait for it :]
My friend is coming over. I'm so excited... I honestly don't know what I would have done lately without him. He's been my shining star through this whole fucking mess. He's the only guy, aside from my newest friend, that I can honestly trust. Since I decided it was better to trust your friends than those who pretend to be your friends, it's been a lot easier to think about a whole lot of stuff.
Expendable people really aren't needed in my life. And honestly? I've finally decided that it's okay to be me. It's okay to love, and be loved in return. I deserve to be respected. I deserve to feel loved. I deserve to feel as though I trust people. I deserve to feel beautiful, and desired, and special.
I deserve better.
And i'm getting it! I'm so happy.... This is probably the best thing to happen to me in a long, long, LOOOOOOONG ass time. And i'm glad to finally stop being depressed over someone[thing] that honestly didn't matter.
Especially since it was blatantly obvious that I wasn't important to them.
Note to self: Become a priority to yourself, instead of an option to someone else.
:D
So anyway. I've got a whole new plan. Everything is going to go SO good, I can't even wait for it :]
My friend is coming over. I'm so excited... I honestly don't know what I would have done lately without him. He's been my shining star through this whole fucking mess. He's the only guy, aside from my newest friend, that I can honestly trust. Since I decided it was better to trust your friends than those who pretend to be your friends, it's been a lot easier to think about a whole lot of stuff.
Expendable people really aren't needed in my life. And honestly? I've finally decided that it's okay to be me. It's okay to love, and be loved in return. I deserve to be respected. I deserve to feel loved. I deserve to feel as though I trust people. I deserve to feel beautiful, and desired, and special.
I deserve better.
And i'm getting it! I'm so happy.... This is probably the best thing to happen to me in a long, long, LOOOOOOONG ass time. And i'm glad to finally stop being depressed over someone[thing] that honestly didn't matter.
Especially since it was blatantly obvious that I wasn't important to them.
Note to self: Become a priority to yourself, instead of an option to someone else.
:D
Shii's Song
Wishing on a dream that seems far off
Hoping it will come today
Into the starlit night
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze
Waiting on a shootin star
But, what if that star is not to come
Will their dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizon darkens most
We all need to believe there is hope
is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light i've yet to see?
I know my heart should guide me but
Theres a hole within my soul
What will fill this emptiness inside of me
Am I to be satisfied without knowing
I wish then for a chance to see
Now all I need,
Is my star to come.
Hoping it will come today
Into the starlit night
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze
Waiting on a shootin star
But, what if that star is not to come
Will their dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizon darkens most
We all need to believe there is hope
is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light i've yet to see?
I know my heart should guide me but
Theres a hole within my soul
What will fill this emptiness inside of me
Am I to be satisfied without knowing
I wish then for a chance to see
Now all I need,
Is my star to come.
So /nice/, so ?smart?
i was quiet as a mouse
when i snuck into your house
and took roofies with your spouse
in a nit and out a louse
and lice are lousy all the time
they suck your blood drink your wine
say shut up and quit your crying
give it time and you'll be fine
you're so nice and you're so smart
you're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
just pretend i didn't tear your world apart
i like boys with strong convictions
and convicts with perfect diction
underdogs with good intentions
amputees with stamp collections
plywood skinboards ride the ocean
salty noses suntan lotion
always seriously joking
and rambunctiously soft-spoken
i like boys that like their mothers
and i have a thing for brothers
but they always wait til we're under the covers
to say i'm sure glad we're not lovers
you're so nice and you're so smart
you're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
just pretend i didn't tear your world apart
i like my new bunnysuit
i like my new bunnysuit
i like my new bunnysuit
when i wear it i feel cute
when i snuck into your house
and took roofies with your spouse
in a nit and out a louse
and lice are lousy all the time
they suck your blood drink your wine
say shut up and quit your crying
give it time and you'll be fine
you're so nice and you're so smart
you're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
just pretend i didn't tear your world apart
i like boys with strong convictions
and convicts with perfect diction
underdogs with good intentions
amputees with stamp collections
plywood skinboards ride the ocean
salty noses suntan lotion
always seriously joking
and rambunctiously soft-spoken
i like boys that like their mothers
and i have a thing for brothers
but they always wait til we're under the covers
to say i'm sure glad we're not lovers
you're so nice and you're so smart
you're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
just pretend i didn't tear your world apart
i like my new bunnysuit
i like my new bunnysuit
i like my new bunnysuit
when i wear it i feel cute
New
I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth
You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic
Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you
So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation
The hours, days, weekends
Ah, the weekend nights alone
Where were you?
In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job - just to have something to do.
Just to have a place to put yourself
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel
so strange and ill at ease inside yourself
Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you'd have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet
Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were gonna talk to you and you
would find out that you were wrong?
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so
strange after all?
Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited because they
thought you were so weird?
Yeah, I think I know you
You spent a lot of time full of hate
A hate that was pure sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time
Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived
Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't, that was home
I know you
You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you
They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive
You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well
You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens
Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time daydreaming
And people have made comment to that effect
Telling you that you're self involved, and self centred
But they don't know, do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection
Well, maybe they do know
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your
apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up
For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient
Yeah, I think I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth
You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic
Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you
So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation
The hours, days, weekends
Ah, the weekend nights alone
Where were you?
In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job - just to have something to do.
Just to have a place to put yourself
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel
so strange and ill at ease inside yourself
Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you'd have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet
Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were gonna talk to you and you
would find out that you were wrong?
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so
strange after all?
Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited because they
thought you were so weird?
Yeah, I think I know you
You spent a lot of time full of hate
A hate that was pure sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time
Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived
Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't, that was home
I know you
You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you
They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive
You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well
You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens
Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time daydreaming
And people have made comment to that effect
Telling you that you're self involved, and self centred
But they don't know, do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection
Well, maybe they do know
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your
apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up
For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient
Yeah, I think I know you
Monday, September 14, 2009
Ghost
I'm kind of afraid that it's going to be the same with this that it was before. That you're going to disappear, just like he did. Am I expecting too much? Is it that I just want to keep everyone I've ever come into contact with as at least a friend? I'm sure that I'm not alone in the whole "don't want to be alone" thing. Most of the time I figure everyone wants to be friends. Especially considering all of the time that was shared.
Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe you are just the same as he was, and still is from what I've been told. I find it ironic that you say one thing about a girl, and though she's "engaged" you find no problem with sticking your tongue down her throat. Maybe it's because she's taken? Maybe it's because she's different? I really don't know. But i'd love to know why. Haha, it's almost kind of silly to think that I believed anything that was said. Yes, I may be upset, but to lie even more even though the anger and disappointment is already there? That's just dumb. To lash out, when I'm obviously trying to just push away from the stressful situation.... That's rude. The language was un necessary. I find that the guilt probably drove it. "I don't care anymore." When did you start caring? That's another question i'd love to have answered.
Maybe it would be better if you just leave. Just disappear. Just like I wish I would sometimes. You're no good. And even though I'd still forgive all of it, I'm giving up on you. You won't try, even though you say that you've tried. Just because you try in the past, doesn't mean you get to stop trying in the present.
Which means you're displacing yourself from my life in the future. Just like him.
Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe you are just the same as he was, and still is from what I've been told. I find it ironic that you say one thing about a girl, and though she's "engaged" you find no problem with sticking your tongue down her throat. Maybe it's because she's taken? Maybe it's because she's different? I really don't know. But i'd love to know why. Haha, it's almost kind of silly to think that I believed anything that was said. Yes, I may be upset, but to lie even more even though the anger and disappointment is already there? That's just dumb. To lash out, when I'm obviously trying to just push away from the stressful situation.... That's rude. The language was un necessary. I find that the guilt probably drove it. "I don't care anymore." When did you start caring? That's another question i'd love to have answered.
Maybe it would be better if you just leave. Just disappear. Just like I wish I would sometimes. You're no good. And even though I'd still forgive all of it, I'm giving up on you. You won't try, even though you say that you've tried. Just because you try in the past, doesn't mean you get to stop trying in the present.
Which means you're displacing yourself from my life in the future. Just like him.
Inside, you're ugly.
And you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
But I leave
My burdens at the door
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times
That I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you
All the times
That I've tried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow wil be OK
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
But I leave
My burdens at the door
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times
That I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you
All the times
That I've tried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow wil be OK
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Memories
I'm going to miss the happy times... I'm really going to miss that closeness. The inside jokes, the security. The plans that were made, the songs that were shared.
I'm such a fool.
Every time, this happens. I get so sunk into these people, only for them to mess around on me and tell me one thing, and act a completely different way. "Yes, I will tell you that I love you to your face. I'll also tell you that we'll be together someday. But, I'll also make out with anything that has tits and a heart beat that I can get my hands on that will allow this to happen."
That makes me very, very disappointed.
The good times definitely outweigh the bad times though... In my opinion. I wish with every ounce of my being to go back to that. To get back to what was before everything bad was over taking everything that was good. Remembering when the day met the night... And it was so good, and felt so right. Where did all that go? Why was it so long ago? I don't understand why nothing can be salvaged. That's something I've just gotta accept though. That things change, sometimes permanently, and not always for the better.
But, if there was one wish that I could make?
It would be to get my missing piece and put it back where it belonged. In my heart.
It's a shame that piece's been left in the rain for so long... It doesn't even want to fit back in there anymore.
That's what happens when we lose things that we cherish.
I'm such a fool.
Every time, this happens. I get so sunk into these people, only for them to mess around on me and tell me one thing, and act a completely different way. "Yes, I will tell you that I love you to your face. I'll also tell you that we'll be together someday. But, I'll also make out with anything that has tits and a heart beat that I can get my hands on that will allow this to happen."
That makes me very, very disappointed.
The good times definitely outweigh the bad times though... In my opinion. I wish with every ounce of my being to go back to that. To get back to what was before everything bad was over taking everything that was good. Remembering when the day met the night... And it was so good, and felt so right. Where did all that go? Why was it so long ago? I don't understand why nothing can be salvaged. That's something I've just gotta accept though. That things change, sometimes permanently, and not always for the better.
But, if there was one wish that I could make?
It would be to get my missing piece and put it back where it belonged. In my heart.
It's a shame that piece's been left in the rain for so long... It doesn't even want to fit back in there anymore.
That's what happens when we lose things that we cherish.
now
Ahhh coffee. It makes everything so much better, and easier to handle.
Maybe it's the caffeine? Idk. All I know is that clarity is so much better with some coffee to assist in the process.
I may not be /your/ princess. But that's okay. I'm special to me. I'm important to me. My feelings matter to me. My sanity matters to me. Even now, you matter to me. But i've been made very aware that you still think you're nose is clean in all that you do. That's fine though.
Because on the path that you're headed down has no good ending. Thinking you'll get anywhere with the habits and people you've picked up is basically a joke. I really hope you learn that at some point, before it's too late. Because i care a whole lot more than i probably should about your well being, but that's not the point.
The mean words that were shared? Doesn't phase me. If that's the type of language and tone you wish to convey, it means that you're scared. That you feel guilty. I wonder what that could possibly make you feel guilty about? I really, really wonder. -eye roll-
At any rate, your life. Not mine. Glad I'm finally getting mine back on track so that when I'm sitting on top I can watch this town burn to the ground.
Maybe it's the caffeine? Idk. All I know is that clarity is so much better with some coffee to assist in the process.
I may not be /your/ princess. But that's okay. I'm special to me. I'm important to me. My feelings matter to me. My sanity matters to me. Even now, you matter to me. But i've been made very aware that you still think you're nose is clean in all that you do. That's fine though.
Because on the path that you're headed down has no good ending. Thinking you'll get anywhere with the habits and people you've picked up is basically a joke. I really hope you learn that at some point, before it's too late. Because i care a whole lot more than i probably should about your well being, but that's not the point.
The mean words that were shared? Doesn't phase me. If that's the type of language and tone you wish to convey, it means that you're scared. That you feel guilty. I wonder what that could possibly make you feel guilty about? I really, really wonder. -eye roll-
At any rate, your life. Not mine. Glad I'm finally getting mine back on track so that when I'm sitting on top I can watch this town burn to the ground.
Maybe
Maybe if I were -
1. Skinnier
2. Prettier
3. More Stupid
4. More conforming
5. A bitch
6. Blond
7. Bland in both personality and thought process
8. Kept all my thoughts and opinions to myself
9. Did anything that you asked at the drop of a hat regardless the consequence
10. NOT ME
Then maybe you would find it in your heart to:
1. Care, in even the slightest form that you're hurting me
2. Try to at least SAY something that makes any sense, and has an ounce of truth to it
3. Feel anything but selfishly, and look outside the box at how you're treating people.
4. Make a decision. Yes, or no. Now, or never. Black, or white.
5. Attempt to remedy your own personality so that others won't be hurt the way you've hurt me.
With these things, I just don't know. It's not as though my opinion matters to you. You've made it BLATANTLY obvious that I don't matter, in the slightest, regardless of what I say or do.
So yeah. I'm sick of the games. I'm sick of the eternal dangling carrot. What's worth fighting for, happiness with someone who doesn't want you, or a life without a person you've grown to love but who you now realize has never cared in the first place.. Whom you've made fantastic memories and made great friends, mutual friends through, and whom you can't ever see your life without, but you feel as though they're fighting tooth and nail to just NOT be in it?
That's a great question.
1. Skinnier
2. Prettier
3. More Stupid
4. More conforming
5. A bitch
6. Blond
7. Bland in both personality and thought process
8. Kept all my thoughts and opinions to myself
9. Did anything that you asked at the drop of a hat regardless the consequence
10. NOT ME
Then maybe you would find it in your heart to:
1. Care, in even the slightest form that you're hurting me
2. Try to at least SAY something that makes any sense, and has an ounce of truth to it
3. Feel anything but selfishly, and look outside the box at how you're treating people.
4. Make a decision. Yes, or no. Now, or never. Black, or white.
5. Attempt to remedy your own personality so that others won't be hurt the way you've hurt me.
With these things, I just don't know. It's not as though my opinion matters to you. You've made it BLATANTLY obvious that I don't matter, in the slightest, regardless of what I say or do.
So yeah. I'm sick of the games. I'm sick of the eternal dangling carrot. What's worth fighting for, happiness with someone who doesn't want you, or a life without a person you've grown to love but who you now realize has never cared in the first place.. Whom you've made fantastic memories and made great friends, mutual friends through, and whom you can't ever see your life without, but you feel as though they're fighting tooth and nail to just NOT be in it?
That's a great question.
Witness
I'm looking for hope... I'm looking for salvation. I'm looking for a love once lost, that I believe can be salvaged. I wish I had some more hope... That little spark is flickering, it's so weak...
Can I get some assistance?
Can I get some assistance?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
White Horse
Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
Baby I was naÃve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance,
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings
Now I know
I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry
Cause I'm not your princess
This ain't our fairytale
I'm gonna find someone, someday
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rear view mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.
Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
Baby I was naÃve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance,
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings
Now I know
I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry
Cause I'm not your princess
This ain't our fairytale
I'm gonna find someone, someday
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rear view mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.
Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.
Faith
Love. What is there in love that one cannot find in any one friend?
Without trust there is no love.
So why cannot we love one's best friend?
Because that's just now how it works. Being "in love" and LOVING someone is totally different.
I think that to be "in love" with a person, you'd be willing to give up personal comfort for them to make sure that they are happy. That you would be willing to give up certain things, well, not necessarily "give up" so much as chill back on. Such as smoking, drinking, partying, etc. if your partner or lover was bothered by such things. Also, I find it difficult to believe that any one person who believes in monogamy would say that they trust their partner enough to believe that while they are out drinking or becoming intoxicated in any way that they wouldn't be even slightly tempted to do something devious with other people.
That being said, if one would happen to find out about another person coming into the what should have been dynamic relationship, creating a trifecta of sorts... That, I believe, would be grounds enough not to trust. That the trust would be broken by the sheer fact that the love has been distributed between more than just the beginning pair. There shouldn't be that type of problem if someones "in love" with you. That shouldn't even be an issue. But then again...
That's only my opinion.
And regardless of how much thought is put into actions, anyone can see that it's wrong to hang on another person while in an exclusive relationship. Just saying.
Without trust there is no love.
So why cannot we love one's best friend?
Because that's just now how it works. Being "in love" and LOVING someone is totally different.
I think that to be "in love" with a person, you'd be willing to give up personal comfort for them to make sure that they are happy. That you would be willing to give up certain things, well, not necessarily "give up" so much as chill back on. Such as smoking, drinking, partying, etc. if your partner or lover was bothered by such things. Also, I find it difficult to believe that any one person who believes in monogamy would say that they trust their partner enough to believe that while they are out drinking or becoming intoxicated in any way that they wouldn't be even slightly tempted to do something devious with other people.
That being said, if one would happen to find out about another person coming into the what should have been dynamic relationship, creating a trifecta of sorts... That, I believe, would be grounds enough not to trust. That the trust would be broken by the sheer fact that the love has been distributed between more than just the beginning pair. There shouldn't be that type of problem if someones "in love" with you. That shouldn't even be an issue. But then again...
That's only my opinion.
And regardless of how much thought is put into actions, anyone can see that it's wrong to hang on another person while in an exclusive relationship. Just saying.
Watch
What would you do if I just disappeared? What would happen if I deleted everything... Facebook, Myspace, all my blogs... Turned off my phone, unplugged my laptop. Just disappeared. What would change? Honestly, what would be different?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. And you know why? Because this is a very one sided perspective at this point.
Not as though it hasn't been for a while now. BUT HONESTLY.
What would happen?
What would you do?
Would you worry?
Would you try to find me?
Would you try and ask around?
I'd love to know. Because at this point, I'd just love to see what the answer would be, I'm feeling that it'd be pretty damn obvious. But yeah, it won't be obvious because nobody fucking gets that obvious is what's supposed to happen. Nobody sees because they don't want to see. They're blinded by what everyone else thinks and that's all they're content on seeing. I can understand. It's so much easier to just take everyone else that talks as god, that their word is right. So much easier not to think for yourself. So much easier to run from problems than to assess them, and to try and solve them. Yeah. I know it's easier.
But EASY is not always RIGHT.
EASY is not always what's NEEDED, or what's BEST.
Not that it matters. But it matters to me.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. And you know why? Because this is a very one sided perspective at this point.
Not as though it hasn't been for a while now. BUT HONESTLY.
What would happen?
What would you do?
Would you worry?
Would you try to find me?
Would you try and ask around?
I'd love to know. Because at this point, I'd just love to see what the answer would be, I'm feeling that it'd be pretty damn obvious. But yeah, it won't be obvious because nobody fucking gets that obvious is what's supposed to happen. Nobody sees because they don't want to see. They're blinded by what everyone else thinks and that's all they're content on seeing. I can understand. It's so much easier to just take everyone else that talks as god, that their word is right. So much easier not to think for yourself. So much easier to run from problems than to assess them, and to try and solve them. Yeah. I know it's easier.
But EASY is not always RIGHT.
EASY is not always what's NEEDED, or what's BEST.
Not that it matters. But it matters to me.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
morphine
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.
So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.
So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
gone
I want to raise up. I want to go high into the sky, make my way into the clouds... I want to fly away, to find where I'm supposed to be. I feel like I'm so hindered by my emotions... Sometimes, I feel like the time where I was stony eyed, and built walls towards everyone... Those times were the easiest. Never had to worry about trusting anyone but myself... Allowed myself to be a stone, a wall for people to lean on and to whisper secrets to... Never revealing, always holding my own regardless of the weather.
I feel like finding a hole in my wall has made me a weaker person. To have allowed the rain, and the wind, and the sun beating down on me to have worn a weak point in my defenses...
I can't believe that I've done this to myself.
Most of the time, I think to myself, "just pad a little bit of cement in there, it'll heal with time."
But with the amount of time I've lived with the hole there, I feel as though it keeps getting bigger and bigger. I feel like it's getting harder and harder to want to put the walls back up...
And that scares me.
I don't want to be vulnerable anymore. I'm sick of being taken advantage of... Apparently I've got a huge sign that says "HEY this girl LOVES being kicked in the ass! Also, she loves having people tell her lies ALL the time! Oh, and by the way, she LOVES when people think she's easily fooled, or that she's a fucking retard!" following me around like a huge specter....
Well, I've decided that the walls are going back up. There's no sense in letting things so trivial get in the way of my happiness anymore. I'm tired of letting people feel as though it'll be okay to do this, because it's not like she's ever going to find out. Or I can do this because even if I say anything she'll forgive me. Or even if I say this to her, regardless of how heinous she might think it is, it doesn't matter because she's a fucking psycho anyway and doesn't deserve what she has anyway, so why let her think she does?
I'm feeling very alone at this point. As though I can't trust a single soul. Not even the one(s) that I felt that had my back in everything... The one(s) that I trusted with my heart, my soul, and my sanity... I don't know why I do this to myself over and over again. I'm so tired of bearing my soul and having my heart torn to shreds in front of me, only to have the pieces spit on and ground into the dirt over, and over, and over again.
Is there no proof that good exists in the faces of some people? Is there not a single spark left in anyone's eyes that I don't have to question? Why is trust so hard to gain, but so easily lost? I'm so tired...
So very tired...
I feel like finding a hole in my wall has made me a weaker person. To have allowed the rain, and the wind, and the sun beating down on me to have worn a weak point in my defenses...
I can't believe that I've done this to myself.
Most of the time, I think to myself, "just pad a little bit of cement in there, it'll heal with time."
But with the amount of time I've lived with the hole there, I feel as though it keeps getting bigger and bigger. I feel like it's getting harder and harder to want to put the walls back up...
And that scares me.
I don't want to be vulnerable anymore. I'm sick of being taken advantage of... Apparently I've got a huge sign that says "HEY this girl LOVES being kicked in the ass! Also, she loves having people tell her lies ALL the time! Oh, and by the way, she LOVES when people think she's easily fooled, or that she's a fucking retard!" following me around like a huge specter....
Well, I've decided that the walls are going back up. There's no sense in letting things so trivial get in the way of my happiness anymore. I'm tired of letting people feel as though it'll be okay to do this, because it's not like she's ever going to find out. Or I can do this because even if I say anything she'll forgive me. Or even if I say this to her, regardless of how heinous she might think it is, it doesn't matter because she's a fucking psycho anyway and doesn't deserve what she has anyway, so why let her think she does?
I'm feeling very alone at this point. As though I can't trust a single soul. Not even the one(s) that I felt that had my back in everything... The one(s) that I trusted with my heart, my soul, and my sanity... I don't know why I do this to myself over and over again. I'm so tired of bearing my soul and having my heart torn to shreds in front of me, only to have the pieces spit on and ground into the dirt over, and over, and over again.
Is there no proof that good exists in the faces of some people? Is there not a single spark left in anyone's eyes that I don't have to question? Why is trust so hard to gain, but so easily lost? I'm so tired...
So very tired...
Sunday, September 6, 2009
merrr
No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, so take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?
I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
Pain make your way to me, to me.
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start, start, hey!
Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?
That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
Now I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
It's your turn, so take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?
I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
Pain make your way to me, to me.
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start, start, hey!
Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?
That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
Now I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
Make Believe is better than reality
And now I'm all alone again, no where to go no one to turn to,
Without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to,
And now the night is near,
And I can make believe he's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.
Without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to,
And now the night is near,
And I can make believe he's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.
orly
The many moments that I had treasured... Every single one. The ones that I can remember, me blaming my short memory... I can't give up on that once felt and greatly missed happiness and security. Every word to every song that I listen to is telling a story that I've already heard so many times before. Part of me says, what in the world is the point of sitting here and listening to the same songs on repeat? What's the sense in letting the same thing happen over, and over, and over again?
It's difficult to let go. I don't want to let go... I don't feel as though I should have to allow myself to rip away from what I thought once to be something growing into a great thing. I don't feel as though I should have to destroy it in my head... It would not make me happy. I cannot be happy with forgetting my past... Though that's what it will always remain.
I feel as though somehow, I'm cursed. Every time I have something good, either it is destroyed or disappears. I can't understand how that continues to happen when at first, I tried to be so careful... Then, when I threw care aside, the same thing happened. Then, trying to not care too much and not care too little.... The whole thing ruins again, and again, and again.
Is there honestly something wrong with me? Is there something that I'm just perpetually doing wrong that I might be able to fix? What is this flaw, this apparently obvious defect that I'm not self-dissecting quite meticulously enough to find? If anyone can shed some light on that, I'd really appreciate it. I'd like to end up happy at some point in this fucking life. Losing everyone and everything you love slowly but surely makes you feel like worthless shit. And trust me....
It also makes you feel like you're losing your mind as well.
Maybe insanity would be better.
Maybe it'd be better not to exist at all.
I've always cared... And always, always will. Think me weak. Think whatever you want. I can't help the way I feel. I would wait until the end of the world because I knew it was right to do so. Because honestly? You don't just run away and hide when things get rough. You stick together. You don't just hide from problems. You fix them, try to resolve them. When you truly, really love someone.... You'd do ANYTHING. Anything for them, regardless of what that might be to make them happy. That's what love is all about. Without trust, without compassion, without faith... There is no love. Without any glimmer of hope... There can't be love.
It's difficult to let go. I don't want to let go... I don't feel as though I should have to allow myself to rip away from what I thought once to be something growing into a great thing. I don't feel as though I should have to destroy it in my head... It would not make me happy. I cannot be happy with forgetting my past... Though that's what it will always remain.
I feel as though somehow, I'm cursed. Every time I have something good, either it is destroyed or disappears. I can't understand how that continues to happen when at first, I tried to be so careful... Then, when I threw care aside, the same thing happened. Then, trying to not care too much and not care too little.... The whole thing ruins again, and again, and again.
Is there honestly something wrong with me? Is there something that I'm just perpetually doing wrong that I might be able to fix? What is this flaw, this apparently obvious defect that I'm not self-dissecting quite meticulously enough to find? If anyone can shed some light on that, I'd really appreciate it. I'd like to end up happy at some point in this fucking life. Losing everyone and everything you love slowly but surely makes you feel like worthless shit. And trust me....
It also makes you feel like you're losing your mind as well.
Maybe insanity would be better.
Maybe it'd be better not to exist at all.
I've always cared... And always, always will. Think me weak. Think whatever you want. I can't help the way I feel. I would wait until the end of the world because I knew it was right to do so. Because honestly? You don't just run away and hide when things get rough. You stick together. You don't just hide from problems. You fix them, try to resolve them. When you truly, really love someone.... You'd do ANYTHING. Anything for them, regardless of what that might be to make them happy. That's what love is all about. Without trust, without compassion, without faith... There is no love. Without any glimmer of hope... There can't be love.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Winner take all
I dont wanna talk
About the things weve gone through
Though its hurting me
Now its history
Ive played all my cards
And thats what youve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play
The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
Thats her destiny
I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking Id be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
Its simple and its plain
Why should I complain.
But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed
The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all
I dont wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
Youve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......
About the things weve gone through
Though its hurting me
Now its history
Ive played all my cards
And thats what youve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play
The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
Thats her destiny
I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking Id be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
Its simple and its plain
Why should I complain.
But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed
The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all
I dont wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
Youve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......
Another.
EMMA:
I sit and watch the rain,
And see my tears run down the windowpane...
LUCY:
I sit and watch the sky.
And I can hear it breathe a sign...
EMMA:
I think of him,
How we were...
LUCY:
And when I think of him,
Then I remember...
LUCY/EMMA:
Remember...
EMMA:
In his eyes I can see
Where my heart longs to be!
LUCY:
In his eyes I see a gentle glow,
And that's where I'll be safe, I know!
EMMA:
Safe in his arms, close to his heart...
LUCY:
But I don't know quite where to start...
EMMA:
By looking in his eyes,
Will I see beyond tomorrow?
LUCY:
By looking in his eyes,
Will I see beyond the sorrow
That I feel?
EMMA:
Will his eyes reveal to me
Promises or lies?
LUCY:
But he can't conceal from me
The love in his eyes!
EMMA:
I know their every look,
His eyes!
LUCY:
They're like an open book,
His eyes!
LUCY/EMMA:
But most of all the look
That hypnotized me!
EMMA:
If I'm wise,
I will walk away,
And gladly...
LUCY:
But, sadly,
I'm not wise,
It's hard to talk away
The mem'ries that you prize!
EMMA:
Love is worth forgiving for!
LUCY:
Now I realize -
LUCY/EMMA:
Everything worth living for
Is there, in his eyes!
EMMA:
Love is worth forgiving for!
Now I realize -
LUCY:
Now I realize -
LUCY/EMMA:
Everything worth living for
Is there, in his eyes!
I sit and watch the rain,
And see my tears run down the windowpane...
LUCY:
I sit and watch the sky.
And I can hear it breathe a sign...
EMMA:
I think of him,
How we were...
LUCY:
And when I think of him,
Then I remember...
LUCY/EMMA:
Remember...
EMMA:
In his eyes I can see
Where my heart longs to be!
LUCY:
In his eyes I see a gentle glow,
And that's where I'll be safe, I know!
EMMA:
Safe in his arms, close to his heart...
LUCY:
But I don't know quite where to start...
EMMA:
By looking in his eyes,
Will I see beyond tomorrow?
LUCY:
By looking in his eyes,
Will I see beyond the sorrow
That I feel?
EMMA:
Will his eyes reveal to me
Promises or lies?
LUCY:
But he can't conceal from me
The love in his eyes!
EMMA:
I know their every look,
His eyes!
LUCY:
They're like an open book,
His eyes!
LUCY/EMMA:
But most of all the look
That hypnotized me!
EMMA:
If I'm wise,
I will walk away,
And gladly...
LUCY:
But, sadly,
I'm not wise,
It's hard to talk away
The mem'ries that you prize!
EMMA:
Love is worth forgiving for!
LUCY:
Now I realize -
LUCY/EMMA:
Everything worth living for
Is there, in his eyes!
EMMA:
Love is worth forgiving for!
Now I realize -
LUCY:
Now I realize -
LUCY/EMMA:
Everything worth living for
Is there, in his eyes!
This is it
Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.
The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but Im gone.
Cause I die, without you.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.
The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but Im gone.
Cause I die, without you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)