trend

To have sat in this same position, on many a separate occasion about the same problem seems a little bit redundant. I mean, having already established the cause of the problem, would it not just be easier to alleviate it all together by just removing it, therein removing the symptom of anxiety and depression? Apparently you've never been in a situation where it could be the bottom jenga block and you don't know whether or not you really want to make the whole thing crumble, just to start over, or if you're perfectly content to wait until you find an easier move to continue playing the game...

Yeah. It's kinda like that.

But sometimes I just don't understand. You're a part of someones life. Of someones world, apparently... And what they do is not reassure you or attempt to make things better, they drift even farther into the problem because they are more transfixed on the fact that it makes them feel good to do whatever it is they're doing. Regardless of whether or not the other person is tearing out their own eyes to get away with living in the same place, and they've expressed that things have gotta change for anything to work.. They continue on their same path, and the other person is either reckless enough with themselves or stupid enough to just sit and wait for them to either open their eyes or fuck up so badly that they lose everything so that they realize either that they never wanted what they had in the first place or they want it more than they realized, and let it slip through their fingers like grains of sand in the Sahara...

I really hope the eye opening happens before the drifting away part, because I don't know exactly how I'd deal with losing the one thing that was important to me right now.

dead

I think that this is what it feels like to want to give up. To know that you're on the verge of the inevitable, and to just stare into that void where something once was and know that there aren't any tears left to shed... That you want so badly for things to have been right, but in the end they always turn out terrible. Expect the best, receive the worst. It's how it has been, and probably always will be. When you want the best of things, you receive the worst of them. Wish for a pony, get a dead rat. Wish for things to go well on a road trip, you drive into a ditch. What luck, eh? That I'd have predicted this from the beginning seems almost cynical. To have predicted my failure from the get go seems almost hysterical. But, never the less, the seeds were planted and took root in my head, and without the assistance of cultivation in hope, and of wanting, they continued to grow and take root... And they sprouted the flower of truth in me. The truth that there will be no hope for a new day tomorrow. That there will be no fruitful summer. That there will be no silver lining on this cloud... That there will be no up side. This is the final act. I'm tired.... So very tired. I'm tired of throwing up all the time because of stress... I'm tired of worrying about things that I shouldn't have to worry about. I'm tired of being told to stop worrying when there's no evidence that i should have to. I don't want anything to get harder. I know life's not the easiest act to follow, but come on. Really. I shouldn't have to put up with some of this shit. I'm getting to be too old and too stupid for some of this stuff to get in my mind. I can't just sit there and watch as my only mental salvation is chiseled out from under me by some brat. I can't do it. I'd rather move my block somewhere else where it can't be touched. I don't want to disappear...

but if that's what it takes for the pain to stop, then that's what it takes. I wanted everything to work out.... But apparently, all parties were not akin in thought.

cold

It's freezing in my house.... I mean, it's only 70... but regardless. I wish that there was a way to make it warm without running my heat aside from putting on extra clothes... I hate clothes and find them generally uncomfortable... I wish that a hot shower would help, but once you step out of it, it's freezing cold again...

Another thing i've noticed is that i need more money. I find ways to compulsivly spend my money on shit that I don't need... But, usually I find interesting ways to make shit out of the useless shit... I just haven't had the time, motivation, or space to do it in. I want to be more crafty anymore... Creativity calms me down. I just havn't found anything that's caught my fancy for more than a milisecond that I can do by myself aside from read... I hate being by myself when i'm creative. I work well under pressure with lot of people around me, or even with just one person or two with a few ideas for me... It's better for creative thinking in my opinion.

God it's cold

I'm kinda hungry... But my stomach is feeling acidy. Apparently the lettuce that i put in my salad was past expiration date... It was slimy and tasted like dead grass.... SO i ended up throwing my lunch in the garbage. Then promptly throwing up several times. I left my phone at home today and went back to get it at lunch, so it was actually a bit more comforting knowing nobody was going to peg be for a bulemic or anything while i vomited my salad back into the ocean....

THESE LITTLE DOGS ARE SO NOISY....
I can't stand that they bark all the damn time. It's adorable how they're trying to protect, but honest to peat do they have to do it all the damn time? I swear, the wind blows, they bark. One of them farts, the other one barks and growls at the front door. It's nerve racking. Aside from the fact that it scares the living hell out of me nearly every time, it's annoying when it's silent as sin and out of the clear blue you get the barking of a thousand dogs in your ear at 4am...

Meh

empty

My stomach is empty and my mind is full. I read once in Charlotte's Web, that when your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it's hard to sleep. I feel that way sometimes.... It takes me a while to get connected when I'm hungry. But for some reason, today I enjoy being hungry. It makes me feel like I've got control over something. Being able to look over at my refrigerator, knowing that there's food inside, and being able to keep myself from ricocheting out of my seat and bury my head into the container of ice cream that's in there makes me feel good. I'm not exactly sure what I even want to eat at the moment... Maybe I'll just wait till tomorrow, or maybe I'll make some ramen and drink a huge glass of milk... I don't know what's going on inside of me right now... It's like I'm being driven into some dark place that has no hope for light, so I'm hibernating for as long as humanly possible to conserve myself... To sustain what I've got left of myself before it metamorphoses into something that I might not enjoy... I'm not looking forward to a lot of the change that i know is happening, and will most definitely happen in the near future... But this as like any other change must come, and I've gotta accept it for what it's worth. I can only control myself, and my actions, and that is how it is with everything. With every action that I make, there is both a positive and equal reaction. Newton's law. It's bound to happen sometime....

morphe

My thoughts have taken on a mind of their own lately...

I'm going to be saving money to get a new car soon. I'm thinking about a purple Sol.... Any thoughts?

sickness

i puked all day at work. being sick is shitty... stress vom is just annoying. especially over something completely fucking stupid.

sitting here, in the dark of the kitchen by myself, I realize that after looking at all the pictures, and reading all the texts, and looking at all the evidence... that I've finally realized that it's not just me. And no, it's not all my fault. No, it's not me who's the problem %100 of the time. No, i'm not the one fucking up constantly. No, i'm not perfect. No, it's not alright.

But i do know that I can take a hint. And the hint has been taken. Trust me, I've got it. And trust me, I hate it. And trust me, I loathe it. And fucking trust me

i'm done