Chapter dux

Obviously nothing is going to change unless someone put's forth some sort of effort to make it happen. I'm getting by. I'm doing my best to make the best of the worst in everything. I'm becoming steady again. The world's been spinning wayyyy to fast for me to hold onto lately, but I think i'm finally standing on solid ground. The way I see it?

If i'm not wanted, then I wasn't meant to be there in the first place.
If I'm not needed, then somewhere someone is thinking "I need someone."
If I'm told "you're worthless" by one person, to a hundred more I mean so much.
If I think to myself, "they think you mean nothing..." Someone's going to come out and say "stfu you're so fucking important omg.." and actually mean it.

I'm glad that I can look into this dark place and finally find a little piece of light and shiny here and there. I've always adored things that glow... Most of the time I will stop by the side of the road and pick up something that's shiny if I feel inclined enough to do so.

At one point, I was told it was endearing. (eye roll)
I was told that my bizarre tendencies made me quirky and fun. But, i've been told that certain people find it embarrassing and offensive.
Fuck that.
Fuck those people who won't try and tolerate me for who I am, and who I've always been. I don't have to ACT to receive and maintain friendships. I am myself, and people still love me, and I still love myself. Regardless of how often I put myself down, or how fat I tell myself that I am, or how ugly I tell myself that I am, or how much criticism I face day to day... I'm me, and I've never had to change that to be accepted by anyone. Not a single person. Not a bloody one.

I'm changing physically every day. There's so much waiting for me... I'm scared as shit to go after it because it means leaving my comfort zone and actually trying to do something. BUT GUESS THE FUCK WHAT that's what LIFE is about! Change, movement, removing yourself from your comfort zone and putting yourself out there, finding people, loving people, hating people [cough] some more than others, others less than most, but fucking god there's gotta be more to life than this fucked up town. I hate it here so much... It's as though this is the cesspool of the East Coast, closest to NJ to be tainted but far enough away from NY to be disgustingly out dated.

I'm above EVERYONE ELSE'S influence but my own. I don't let people make my decisions for me. Sure, I ask for HELP, because i'm not above getting some constructive advice and criticism. I enjoy asking for advice. It makes me grow instead of sitting in ignorance. That's why I enjoy talking to people that I trust. I get constructive, positive criticism, kind but stern words about anything and everything that I could possibly have a problem with.

I miss the comfort that I once found in the arms of someone else. The seemingly kind words, the kisses that filled me with warmth, the moments that I would have stayed in forever had I been given the chance... But, unfortunately there is no future for that. Not even in friendship. There is only hurt, and empty feelings. But the only person who I /need/, who I can rely on, and trust fully... Is myself. That's the only person who I can go to after a long day, meditate with, talk to [as crazy as that sounds] and rationalize anything that I've thought about. If I need assistance, I go to my green, and my yellow. I can rely on them, as well as my bird. And also my two loves. I can rely on my friends to be there for me, through ANYTHING. Anything that could possibly go wrong, they're there for me. Because true friendship, like true love, is through better or worse. Through thick and through thin. It's unbreakable, it forgives, it is understanding. It doesn't intend to cause pain, and it apologizes when there are no other ways to give advice. It is empathetic... That's what friendship is to me.