empty

The hope I had at one point seems to be fading away. I mean, I've got it... But slowly it's being whittled away as more and more bad news seems to knock at my door.

I miss the physical closeness. I miss the hand holding, and the small brushes of cheek to cheek, of lips to skin. I'm not going to experience that anymore, and it feels terrible. I don't know... I feel like im just disappearing into nothing. Most of the time I think, "maybe if I had done something better, it would have been different." "maybe if I had tried harder, things would still be okay." "maybe if something hadn't of come up, or developed, then it would all be better."

Would have could have should have, maybe's if and could be's....

I'm never going to be in a position where i'm accepted, understood, forgiven... Loved. All at the same time. Why can't I find a god damn happy medium?!? I thought that I had found it. Then something changed... I'd love to know what it was. So that if I can't fix what's happened, and try to remedy my mistake, then I could learn and move on so i don't fuck up anything in the future the way I have. I thought that I'd finally found my missing piece... My one and only. The part i've been searching for for my whole life... I'm being screamed at for writing that, but honestly that's how i felt. There's no way anyone can be upset with me when I've got an opinion. this is still America. We're still allowed to write what we want for now. But even though my feelings are unchanging, my heart still put on lay-away, it sucks because at this rate... It'll never be picked up, or paid for. There will be no happy ending at this point. there is no future, there is no past.

There is only now, and even now can't last. Moments fade, time continues.