Saturday, April 25, 2009
Interest
Today seems to be pretty simple. Dentist for cleaning. Nails with mother. Market with Erik. Hair dye with Ashley. After that, hoping Cheryl is free so we may do some shopping. Maybe she will be busy, but i hope not. I would like to do something other than shampoo the carpets in my living room all day... mer...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
mind reader
Now that I know how it is, im glad this happened. It shows that no matter how close you think you are to a person, they will resent you for life for whatever they like. You know what? i'm fine with that.
On top of the big list of things that I know that I am not are the words "mind reader" and "saint". Just putting that out there. I never claimed to be either of these things, and I think it should be made completely clear that no one can know what you're thinking but you. Unless you somehow voice what is in your mind, it will stay a mystery to everyone but you.
On top of the big list of things that I know that I am not are the words "mind reader" and "saint". Just putting that out there. I never claimed to be either of these things, and I think it should be made completely clear that no one can know what you're thinking but you. Unless you somehow voice what is in your mind, it will stay a mystery to everyone but you.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Little Bitty Knives
Like a lap dog biting at the ankles. They think it really hurts, when it's just annoying. I find it interesting how petty people can be. How once they don't get their way, they turn their back on you and everything they stood for. Side note: attempting to publicly drag someone's reputation through the mud when it's nobodies business? Classy.
Miscommunication
Someday when we all grow up, we realize that most of the time our childhood fantasies of being a fireman, or a veterinarian lady, or a cop-iece-man, all of these things tend to seem so innocent. These fleeting notions of being big and strong if we eat all of our vegetables, drink all our milk, finish all the food on our plate, play extra long, be extra good for our parents... Most of the time we think that these are the things that make adult life the best. You don't have to eat your vegetables, because you used them all up when you were 5. you don't have to drink all your milk, or drink any at all, because you develope what you learn to be "lactose intolerance". All these things... And yet we always want to be what we were, or what we would have been.
"grass is always greener"
Its ironic that most of the time, we say that we are one thing, when in fact we are most definitely and obviously the opposite. When we claim to be holy, to be pure of thought and action, to have no ill will towards our fellow neighbors...
This is a personal farse to fool ourselves that we are indeed righteous. That we deserve everything that we get regardless of how much work we do to get what we are given. In fact, it is these people, who believe that everything is to be handed to them on a silver platter who should watch for themselves. One day, when the money runs out and the plate is empty, and there is no one to fill the wallet or the food dish, what will they do then? When there is no one to fuel that need for whatever it is drives you, what will you do but crawl in your own filth, because there is no one to clean up after your incessant messes. That is what will happen to those of us who care not about making our own way in this world. Who do nothing for themselves and expect all from everyone. That's how it is. All is well that ends well. And those of us who work, who suffer for our own means and wants, we go to sleep every night thinking to ourselves, "yes, this is indeed mine, and I did a good job earning it. Because I worked for this, these things and this place that I have, I truly deserve it. I am happy. I will be able to make myself happy forever". Those who can do for themselves do not need to be weighted down with the baggage of others who care not for anything but themselves and their own selfish ways.
And that's what's up.
"It is better to suffer a hard day's work to provide an honest meal than to sit at someone else's table, because regardless of how satiated you become, you are still a meager beggar."
"grass is always greener"
Its ironic that most of the time, we say that we are one thing, when in fact we are most definitely and obviously the opposite. When we claim to be holy, to be pure of thought and action, to have no ill will towards our fellow neighbors...
This is a personal farse to fool ourselves that we are indeed righteous. That we deserve everything that we get regardless of how much work we do to get what we are given. In fact, it is these people, who believe that everything is to be handed to them on a silver platter who should watch for themselves. One day, when the money runs out and the plate is empty, and there is no one to fill the wallet or the food dish, what will they do then? When there is no one to fuel that need for whatever it is drives you, what will you do but crawl in your own filth, because there is no one to clean up after your incessant messes. That is what will happen to those of us who care not about making our own way in this world. Who do nothing for themselves and expect all from everyone. That's how it is. All is well that ends well. And those of us who work, who suffer for our own means and wants, we go to sleep every night thinking to ourselves, "yes, this is indeed mine, and I did a good job earning it. Because I worked for this, these things and this place that I have, I truly deserve it. I am happy. I will be able to make myself happy forever". Those who can do for themselves do not need to be weighted down with the baggage of others who care not for anything but themselves and their own selfish ways.
And that's what's up.
"It is better to suffer a hard day's work to provide an honest meal than to sit at someone else's table, because regardless of how satiated you become, you are still a meager beggar."
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Things
Im sad. This is probably the 3rd week in a row that I've been alone. And im not talking about just, without people. Im talking about both being without people, and being without an outlet. There's nothing in my mind worth sharing, in my opinion. There's nothing anyone wants to hear. So, what I've done is just shut it all out... To ignore my own thoughts and worries in hopes to maybe make something better for myself...
It isn't really working out the way I'd have liked it to.
I really want to have some sort of contact. I want to be able to go somewhere and hide from life, and have someone tell me that everything is going to be okay. I want to be able to go away from the world and just lose myself in something, whatever it is. I just want escapeism for a while. Just a little while.
I need a vacation.
I don't feel close to people anymore. Not a single one. I used to have that connection... But i've lost it. I lost the feeling of comradery that I used to have. In not just a select few, but in everyone... I feel lost, and alone, and lonely... I feel isolated. I feel trapped...
I want to run away.
This new job is decent. I answer phones, I answer questions of the people on the phones, I document the phone calls, I hang up, say goodbye and have a nice day, and that's the extent of it most of the time. It's a rather lonely thing, to have minimal contact with the people you work with and then to have less than a 5 minute conversation with hundreds of people at a time. The only thing they remember from you, is the information that they got from you, and if you've done a particularly good job of giving them what they want, they might remember your first name.
How touching...
I have a ferrit now. Her name is The Stig; Stiggy, for short. She's white, with black peppering all over her back with a black splotch on her tail. She's so energetic... Sometimes I think that I was ment to be born a caged domestic animal. To be taken out when I was needed, and to be put back when my owner got tired of watching my actions.
That's kind of how I feel anyway.
I've been spending most of my free time cleaning my now nearly empty house. The floors are swept, dishes done, my things are slowly moving in to what used to be my mother's room... It's like she died and left me our house... But in reality, she's only 20 minutes away. I think that's another thing that's kinda helping my isolation. Not having anyone when I come home to talk to, to bicker with, to have a heated debate with... To make dinner with... It's just very quiet here now. I don't know really what to do with myself aside from clean...
I feel replaced.
Maybe that's something else that's contributed to my isolation. I feel like im not good enough to be around anymore because i have no time. Regardless of who it is... Whenever things come up, i feel terrible because i know that its pushing everyone farther away. But in a way, i feel like it shouldnt matter.... But what do I know, right? What do I know about being a decent person.
Apparently nothing...
It isn't really working out the way I'd have liked it to.
I really want to have some sort of contact. I want to be able to go somewhere and hide from life, and have someone tell me that everything is going to be okay. I want to be able to go away from the world and just lose myself in something, whatever it is. I just want escapeism for a while. Just a little while.
I need a vacation.
I don't feel close to people anymore. Not a single one. I used to have that connection... But i've lost it. I lost the feeling of comradery that I used to have. In not just a select few, but in everyone... I feel lost, and alone, and lonely... I feel isolated. I feel trapped...
I want to run away.
This new job is decent. I answer phones, I answer questions of the people on the phones, I document the phone calls, I hang up, say goodbye and have a nice day, and that's the extent of it most of the time. It's a rather lonely thing, to have minimal contact with the people you work with and then to have less than a 5 minute conversation with hundreds of people at a time. The only thing they remember from you, is the information that they got from you, and if you've done a particularly good job of giving them what they want, they might remember your first name.
How touching...
I have a ferrit now. Her name is The Stig; Stiggy, for short. She's white, with black peppering all over her back with a black splotch on her tail. She's so energetic... Sometimes I think that I was ment to be born a caged domestic animal. To be taken out when I was needed, and to be put back when my owner got tired of watching my actions.
That's kind of how I feel anyway.
I've been spending most of my free time cleaning my now nearly empty house. The floors are swept, dishes done, my things are slowly moving in to what used to be my mother's room... It's like she died and left me our house... But in reality, she's only 20 minutes away. I think that's another thing that's kinda helping my isolation. Not having anyone when I come home to talk to, to bicker with, to have a heated debate with... To make dinner with... It's just very quiet here now. I don't know really what to do with myself aside from clean...
I feel replaced.
Maybe that's something else that's contributed to my isolation. I feel like im not good enough to be around anymore because i have no time. Regardless of who it is... Whenever things come up, i feel terrible because i know that its pushing everyone farther away. But in a way, i feel like it shouldnt matter.... But what do I know, right? What do I know about being a decent person.
Apparently nothing...
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