orly

The many moments that I had treasured... Every single one. The ones that I can remember, me blaming my short memory... I can't give up on that once felt and greatly missed happiness and security. Every word to every song that I listen to is telling a story that I've already heard so many times before. Part of me says, what in the world is the point of sitting here and listening to the same songs on repeat? What's the sense in letting the same thing happen over, and over, and over again?

It's difficult to let go. I don't want to let go... I don't feel as though I should have to allow myself to rip away from what I thought once to be something growing into a great thing. I don't feel as though I should have to destroy it in my head... It would not make me happy. I cannot be happy with forgetting my past... Though that's what it will always remain.

I feel as though somehow, I'm cursed. Every time I have something good, either it is destroyed or disappears. I can't understand how that continues to happen when at first, I tried to be so careful... Then, when I threw care aside, the same thing happened. Then, trying to not care too much and not care too little.... The whole thing ruins again, and again, and again.

Is there honestly something wrong with me? Is there something that I'm just perpetually doing wrong that I might be able to fix? What is this flaw, this apparently obvious defect that I'm not self-dissecting quite meticulously enough to find? If anyone can shed some light on that, I'd really appreciate it. I'd like to end up happy at some point in this fucking life. Losing everyone and everything you love slowly but surely makes you feel like worthless shit. And trust me....

It also makes you feel like you're losing your mind as well.
Maybe insanity would be better.
Maybe it'd be better not to exist at all.

I've always cared... And always, always will. Think me weak. Think whatever you want. I can't help the way I feel. I would wait until the end of the world because I knew it was right to do so. Because honestly? You don't just run away and hide when things get rough. You stick together. You don't just hide from problems. You fix them, try to resolve them. When you truly, really love someone.... You'd do ANYTHING. Anything for them, regardless of what that might be to make them happy. That's what love is all about. Without trust, without compassion, without faith... There is no love. Without any glimmer of hope... There can't be love.