Superstitious

very superstitious
writings on the wall

I went to a wedding yesterday. My friends Lucy and Jeff got married... They make such an adorable couple. They've been through Hell and back, and even though they're still brushing ash off their shoulders, they're still doing it together, with their hands held tight and fingers laced. Their bond is unbreakable, and they're going to make it through everything and anything together.

During the reception, they had the typical bouquet toss. Everyone was all anxious to get in front, and my friend Emily forced me to participate (even though I thought it pointless to try and be involved in something that at this point I can't even think about...) in the throwing... But, once it was thrown, everyone backed towards the sides of the stage and I was the only one left. It was headed towards my face, and I caught it. I've never caught the bouquet before, at any one's wedding. To catch the bouquet means that you are the next one to be married.
I'm a pretty superstitious person. I don't enjoy spilling salt, I knock on wood... I carry a lucky dollar that I've had for almost a year. I do things on certain days that i think are the most fortunately lucky. Though my luck isn't good, I try anyway and hope for the best. That's how I am with anything...
I got the garter too. Well, inadvertently. It was thrown to the boys, and the one who caught it put it on my leg. The DJ said, "you know, the higher you put it the luckier it is!" That was probably the most awkward thing that's happened to me in a long time, lol... This guy I didn't know, had never met, stuck his hands half way up my skirt nearly mid thigh to stick this damn garter on my leg. That's apparently lucky too.
The whole event was beautiful. I love weddings, and think that they're a very good part of the human event cycle. No matter what other people think... If one person doesn't want me, there's got to be somebody out there who does. No matter what happens with the people whom I date, if they hate me in the end or start to spread nasty rumors, or decide to cheat on me or beat me up physically or abuse me emotionally... No matter how bad it gets, I've got hope that some day I'll be able to walk down an isle into the arms of someone who's willing to do anything for me, and whom will accept that I'm willing to do anything for them. Someone, who for better or worse, will try to make me happy and try and accept me for all that I am, and who I was meant to be.
There has to be someone out there, past, present or future, who wants to be with me. I know that it'll happen someday.
I'm going to have those twins come hell or high water, even if I have to adopt them. Power of positive thinking. Think positive, think positive, think positive.

I'm going to try my best to avoid all things that would drag me down into depression. Though, I'm very nearly at rock bottom, finding nothing left in this dark place but muck and sadness, loneliness, isolation... Not much hope to go around when all you keep hearing is "give up, stop caring, move on, get over it..." and especially when you're the kind of person who refuses to take failure as an answer... I guess walking away isn't really giving up. It's just trying to grow when you are forced to accept the loss of a loved one, or a lover, or a best friend... No matter how badly you want them in your life, you can't control what other people think or do. You can only control how you react to it, and try and make it the most positive thing that you can without going completely insane...

I don't know. My friends care. They have good intentions, i'm sure. I just wish that there was a way to get what I want and not have to go through any more pain. The crying myself to sleep gig is kinda getting old. The not being able to listen to anything on my iPod without sobbing is starting to get really boring, too. I can't help it, but once old wounds are torn open it's hard to just kind of solder it closed... It takes time, and bandages, and antiseptic, and bandaids and love...

I so desperately need and deserve love.