gone

I want to raise up. I want to go high into the sky, make my way into the clouds... I want to fly away, to find where I'm supposed to be. I feel like I'm so hindered by my emotions... Sometimes, I feel like the time where I was stony eyed, and built walls towards everyone... Those times were the easiest. Never had to worry about trusting anyone but myself... Allowed myself to be a stone, a wall for people to lean on and to whisper secrets to... Never revealing, always holding my own regardless of the weather.

I feel like finding a hole in my wall has made me a weaker person. To have allowed the rain, and the wind, and the sun beating down on me to have worn a weak point in my defenses...

I can't believe that I've done this to myself.

Most of the time, I think to myself, "just pad a little bit of cement in there, it'll heal with time."
But with the amount of time I've lived with the hole there, I feel as though it keeps getting bigger and bigger. I feel like it's getting harder and harder to want to put the walls back up...

And that scares me.

I don't want to be vulnerable anymore. I'm sick of being taken advantage of... Apparently I've got a huge sign that says "HEY this girl LOVES being kicked in the ass! Also, she loves having people tell her lies ALL the time! Oh, and by the way, she LOVES when people think she's easily fooled, or that she's a fucking retard!" following me around like a huge specter....

Well, I've decided that the walls are going back up. There's no sense in letting things so trivial get in the way of my happiness anymore. I'm tired of letting people feel as though it'll be okay to do this, because it's not like she's ever going to find out. Or I can do this because even if I say anything she'll forgive me. Or even if I say this to her, regardless of how heinous she might think it is, it doesn't matter because she's a fucking psycho anyway and doesn't deserve what she has anyway, so why let her think she does?

I'm feeling very alone at this point. As though I can't trust a single soul. Not even the one(s) that I felt that had my back in everything... The one(s) that I trusted with my heart, my soul, and my sanity... I don't know why I do this to myself over and over again. I'm so tired of bearing my soul and having my heart torn to shreds in front of me, only to have the pieces spit on and ground into the dirt over, and over, and over again.

Is there no proof that good exists in the faces of some people? Is there not a single spark left in anyone's eyes that I don't have to question? Why is trust so hard to gain, but so easily lost? I'm so tired...

So very tired...