Chilly

It's so damn cold outside!!! I've finally had to give in and turn on my heat... There goes my food money for a while until I can figure out a way to get this crap packed up and shipped to my mother's faster so I can finally get room mates... Then it'll be a little easier.


Is it normal to miss someone terribly, even though you know they don't give a shit if you're alive or dead?


I don't know what's wrong with me lately.

I've been going through this "I'm totally okay. I'll be fine." phase, and then a "what am I doing with my life? I'm drowning, help!!" phase... Back and forth, up and down, side to side. I'm getting sick of this inconsistency. I wish I had the stability I once had back. I'm getting back to being stable.

On Wednesday last week, I went to see Emilie Autumn in concert...

BEST. LIVE PERFORMANCE. EVER.

No lie.

I'm pretty sure I've never been to a better show. It was spectacular. The only thing I regret is getting sick literally 5-10 minutes before she came on stage. I had to fumble through the crowd to get water and sit down somewhere before I passed out in the middle of all these people... I'd have been trampled! it would have been terrible.. But the show was absolutely spectacular! I'm hoping that I get to go see her this coming December 2nd, but... I really don't know if i'll have the money together at this point to even consider it a possibility... But I'll be damned if I won't try. I'm going to see if I can sell some of my stuff... Not much of it is worth anything, but if I get super desperate I might be able to sell my guitar... I really don't want to do that but when you're in need, you're in need... My bonus from work won't get there even half in time for me to get the tickets either.

Living alone sucks especially when there's so much you WANT to do, and so much you NEED to do... Maybe my mom will get me the ticket for Christmas... I doubt it, but there's always that offhanded chance. I'm more than excited to go see it. A friend of mine went with me, and she got to stay up front. We waited for literally 7 hours in the freezing cold, wearing nothing but hoodies and bloomers... Hahaha, we looked quite the site. But it was soooo worth it. I got some pictures on my cell phone of the set before I got sick, and it was so awesome.... I'm still bubbling over it. She's so amazing.. Talented, beautiful, bold, confident... She's just amazing.

We met a lot of really cool people there too. It was like a love fest centered around Emilie! And what was really cool... A new friend bought me a t-shirt..
I didn't have any money for merchandise because I had spent it on an oil change for my car (so we wouldn't be stranded in Baltimore) and also on lots of wasted parking... The first garage that we found had us 5 dollars out because it closed at NINE, and then we stuck maybe 6 dollars worth of quarters in this machine and didn't realize you had to press a button for a ticket... It was just an adventure. -sigh- but anyway. It'll all be okay now. Everything was fantastic. :D

I've got to get to that show with VIP tickets. It's my goal.

Winter

My days are cold and dark without the warm touch of the sun... My body is numb from all but the sun's warming rays, the kiss of their warmth on my skin... The world is colorless, all that was once sweet is now bitter. Without the sun, it is as though the world was never to be born at all. An anomaly of nature, the world is... The plants die, the trees leaves whither, the animals become frail and weak... A barren landscape is all that is left without the sun. And that's how it is, and will be... I hope at some point the sun will return to the world to assist in it's healing, and the growth of new and better things.

Maybe it's to be a barren landscape forever. Because, you see, the sun doesn't like when the earth's creatures start to adapt to their chilly, barren habitats. When they learn to deal without the sun, and though they miss it and love it deeply, they must cope with it's loss and carry on without. The sun becomes vengeful and hateful that the creatures would possibly be able to move on, or at least adapt to the new and harsh environment, so it moves farther and farther away from the earth... Trying to kill every last ounce of hope and happiness that there could have been in the world, the sun shuns it, hoping that the animals and plants will rue the day that they attempted to live without it.

But it doesn't work that way...

mer...

yeah... mer...

Julie and Julia

I enjoyed that movie immensely.. I really enjoy cooking. It made me remember when I was younger, and when I'd make up my own recipes that really didn't work... GOD did they suck..

I was thinking about starting to cook a lot more now that I've got a job that makes me sit all day with nothing to do but talk on the phone. I feel like I can relate to the Julie character a lot... Aside from the fact that I'm negative one husband.
We're both moderately neurotic... She's sweet, funny, has a job that sucks answering stupid phones... I feel for her, and can relate to her.

I'm retarded.

But anyway, it made me think... What if somehow I cooked my way to being okay? To being happy again? What if me thinking and planning isn't what I need to do right now... I just need to create. I've cranked out more paintings and songs and poems than I can handle at this point. My ennui is showing... (lawl)
I can't continue to sit here and torture myself and tell myself that it was all my fault anymore. I can't just destroy my self esteem and my sanity by sitting here, hoping someday things will change for the better. Praying to myself and whatever's there to listen that a change will occur that will make my life better, and happy again...
I so want to be okay again. I've sunk into this hole, this precipice.. and i'm having a really hard time getting out of this bullshit funk. *lol the funk*
But i'm going to be better no matter how hard it is... I'm not going to let my emotions control me anymore. If I'm in love and lonely for the rest of my life, so be it. At least i'll know that I care, if no one else does. At least I can look at myself in the mirror every day and not be completely disgusted by what I see in it. I'm okay with being alone most of the time. All of the time? Not so much... But most of the time? I can handle it.
I want to make cookies.

,,,

I love you.



That's all I have to say. I'm not going to stop, or change my mind. It's just how it is. I'm stupid for it. I know that. But I can't just shut down how I feel.

Deer

On the way to a friend's house tonight, I saw something flailing on the side of the road... If I hadn't of been driving so slow I would have missed it completely or mistaken it for something like garbage or a stick falling off the side of the road...
But then I realized, it was a leg of something... Something had been hit and was sitting on the side of the road, flailing around...
So, because I'm gay, I stopped my car as close to the site of the accident as possible. I wanted to see if there was something that I could do, whatever the hell I might find laying helplessly on the side of the road. Mostly, in my head, I was thinking it was a dog. That was one of my fears, that there had been a dog hit on the side of the road by some fuckwit who decided to hit and run something that they didn't care about because it wasn't their dog... Or even worse, what if it was something like a person with really skinny legs or arms that was seriously hurt... It's movement reminded me of legs.
I get out of the car, and (not having a flash light) I took out my phone and used it as a flash light. My phone's really good at being super fucking bright. So, I'm creeping towards this writhing creature on the ground, hoping that it was just garbage, or something inanimate that I didn't have to be upset over...
There on the damn ground was a baby deer. It couldn't have been more than a year old. A baby deer who's leg had been obviously broken, and who had probably injured it's neck pretty badly because of the obscene angle it was in... So, what did I do?
I screamed and freaked out, more or less.
I started sobbing and ran back to my car, nearly got run over.. Drove to my friends house, took her WITH me to the scene of the accident...
And then promptly called the police...
I didn't know what else to do. I didn't have the number for animal rescue, I didn't know of any sort of "animal control" places that I could call... So the operator sent an office equipped with a k-9 unit to assess the situation. Basically, I told him what happened, and I was like "do you have to call anyone else or can you just kill it?" And he said that he could kill it.. I felt so horrible for sounding so callus about the poor thing writhing in pain only a few feet away from me... I was tempted to go near it, but before when I had gone towards it *like the idiot that I am* it freaked out, splayed out and rolled down a hill two or three times... Not that it wasn't already in shock but I'm stupid and have empathy for things that are in a huge, if not life threatening amount of pain... If you know me you know about the story of the stupid fucking rabbit that I hit, freaked out over, and then SAT with until it died... <-- retarded.
But anyway.
The cop was very polite, very empathetic... And told us he'd take care of the deer.
He also informed me that my registration was expired.
He was kind enough to check it for me.

Then I went to the diner and drowned my sorrows in coffee, and I said a little prayer for the deer...
I'm completely fucked in the head. But I don't care.
I hope the poor thing is at peace now. Fuck that person who decided it was a dandy idea to go speeding down Valley road and hit the fucking thing.
I hope a car hits them.
*side note. The officer also asked me if my car was okay. That was very kind of him, though it was probably part of his job to ask.

beauty from pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Opheliac

I'm your Opheliac
I've been so disillusioned
I know you'd take me back
But still I feign confusion
I couldn't be your friend
My world was too unstable
You might have seen the end

But you were never able
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see
It's the Opheliac in me

I'm your Opheliac
My stockings prove my virtues
I'm open to attack
But I don't want to hurt you
Whether I swim or sink
That's no concern of yours now
How could you possibly think
You had the power to know how
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see
It's the Opheliac in me

Studies show:
Intelligent girls are more depressed
Because they know
What the world is really like
Don't think for a beat it makes it better
When you sit her down and tell her
Everything gonna be all right
She knows in society she either is
A devil or an angel with no in between
She speaks in the third person
So she can forget that she's me

Doubt thou the stars are fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt
Doubt thou the stars are fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt I love

You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see
It's the Opheliac in me