Capricorn: You've got too much on your plate. It's ok to ask for help!

I've been. Well, internally anyway. Ive been fighting with myself for far too long about so much... It's time to ask for external help. Ive asked before, a bunch of times, for certain little kinds of help. "would you kindly help me off my seat?" "would you kindly get me a glass of water?" "I'd like to go to the store, would you kindly go with me?"

I really like that little phrase-lit. "would you kindly?" Ever since I heard it on a bioshock parody I've really enjoyed it. Ive been using it in normal conversations... Kinda weird.

My mother and her boyfriend left for the bahamas today... Im scared for them. I want them to be alright, and I want them to have fun... Im just really afraid. Ive never been scared for anything to happen to my mom before... But now, now that shes out of the country with Doug.... Im not so sure anymore. I wont be there for her if she gets hurt. I wont be there for her if she needs to rant. She wont be there for me either... Its as though she's died already. Thats a little dramatic though... She's going to email me and stuff.. but Im still worried about them, regardless.

Im a worry-wart

halp

It would be a lie to say that it's easy to forget what's supposed to now be the past. It would be a bold faced lie to say that i'm totally over it. It would be a downright aweful lie to say that i'm okay again, for good... But all in all I really think i'm doing better. Im better than i was in the beginning of the mess. Im doing better enough to want to live through every day without asking for help to get through them all. Sometimes i falter... Sometimes i stumble and fall. I know now that when that happens, I can always ask for help. It's not shameful to ask for anything if you truely need it. It's not a crime to reach out a hand and ask for assistance. If you don't get any, then that's okay. Somehow you can make it out yourself. But hey, who's going to deny you if they're your true friends?

horoscope [?]

Capricorn: Don't be too quick to judge someone today. They may have reasons you don't know about.

Good show.

I love being the last one to know someone has a problem with me. If theres a fucking problem, and im involved and it's not made known to me up front, and I have to find out through a third party about it, that really fucking pisses me off. If it can't come to my face, and it can't be dealt with in person, then I think there's a problem. And its not with me.

Just saying.

Hmm

Capricorn: Someone owes you a favor, and you'll get the chance to cash in today!

inside

I write in my journal so that I don't have to be so specific here. I read to escape from things in my life that I can't typically cope with. I think too much so I don't have to worry about forgetting anything that may potentially be vital to any sort of situation that I might be thrown into.

And yet, I find myself getting more and more caught up in some sort of trap. I see myself setting myself up to get caught in some sort of snare. I don't see how this keeps happening, but it does... Maybe because im not thinking half as hard, or paying that much attention to detail as I once did, but part of me is thinking that maybe Im just tuning everything out. Something inside is changing... Im not sure exactly what's going on.

My jaw just started throbbing. I really hope that it's not a toothache. Especially considering ive been taking care of my teeth since I can remember... I don't like the thought of having some weirdo prod and poke and drill in my mouth. Makes me kinda queezy.

Laundry makes me feel better. Having it, doing it, putting it away. It makes me feel productive. It takes my mind off of stuff. Honestly I never used to hate doing laundry, but doing it myself probably makes me seem crazy for enjoying it. I don't think that's true. It just makes me feel good to know ive done something that needs to be done. Im glad to do it, because I know what to do with everything, and I can do it my way.

I went to a "hard core" show last night. It was pretty freakin' cool. Ive never been to a show like that, and I really enjoy the atmosphere aside from the constant jostle that I got from people slamming into one another. My friend Todd, who's in the band Century, got me in because he's a cool kid and loves me :3 And I love him too. I didn't get to see him play though, because I was retarded and didnt bring my i.d. with me. So Todd hooked me up. The music was very different from what i'm used to. Lots of screaming and lots of heavy guitar parts. Aside from the difference I enjoyed myself. At one point the final band started playing a song by Journey over the sound system. It was hylarious to watch all these little scene kids yell out the lyrics at the guy making the sound checks.

Im trying to get shit together. I know vaguely where I want to go, and to get there is going to be a very big adventure. Im not really good at accepting drastic change, but I know that I can cope. Things have been taking an interesting turn lately, and though it IS different, Im trying to embrace it with open arms.

Finalization

Yeah. So that saga is over... I guess you could say finally? Even though I have a feeling it'll never truly be over. I have a feeling that itll be there forever. The feeling. The whole thing...

I dont like not going through with things once ive set my mind on them. And nows no different.

mild

Capricorn: You're feeling very anxious, which is totally normal. But some deep breaths couldn't hurt.

I feel moderately calm. As anxious as I am, im not feeling as tense as I once did. I wish things had turned out differently.. And in a way, Im glad they didnt. Its very difficult to explain the way that Im feeling. Its as though Im caught in the middle of two large crushing objects and the easiest way out is also the most painful.

Its difficult to explain how I feel to any one given person at a time. I have a hard time expressing myself in verbal communication form. I dont really know what the deal with that is, I just cant really find the words in me lately. I dont think about telling anyone because im afraid of the reprecussions. Well, not really taht. More of the future backlash sharing myself might bring.

I have a job interview at ten in the morning, and im scared shitless. I have yet to finish the application.

-dies-

knots

Capricorn: You will have fun on a whole new level today. You never knew things would turn out like this!

Im sitting on my bed. This is my usual position while im on my computer. Staring at my nearly completely white screen. Im typing the blog. Im thinking about what the fucks been going on for this all to come crashing down so pleasantly and neatly. How this could have possibly been so terribly perfect.

I want to scream and cry and laugh and destroy something and hug someone all at the same time. I need reassurance. I need something to hold onto. I need. I'm in need. Im not ahsamed to ask for help. Ive been screaming about it for so long. I need it. I want it. I crave, yearn, desire... I need help. I got my help..

Ive never asked for a better friend, and never expected to find someone that I would prefer to be stranded for the rest of my life on a desert island with. I have never asked for a better friend, and never ever will. I owe you my life, and everything. Just, everything. My hope, my reinstatement of self-worth, self esteem... More than anything my re-enstatement in the hope that I lost for myself, and the furthering of my self improvement. Im a better person because i know you. I cant describe in words how much you mean to me. Really.

Im so sick feeling right now. Cotton mouth, knot in my throat... Everything is kinda spinning.

dream

i had a dream that he came here. that he changed his mind. that he couldnt believe that he hadnt visited sooner. that he wanted to come back, and that he missed me. He said he regretted not coming back sooner. he thought he was making a mistake. he left a backpack and a laptop in my house. we were doing fun things with him, his brother, and a younger version of them both. They were all at my house.. They decided to sleep over because i had gone there to stay a night for some reason. they were in a white car. I had a runny nose, i think from crying that he was going. I was very, very thin. there were other people there, but they were faceless, nameless. he and I, his brothers and my mother in the dream were the only ones there that I can remember.

Capricorn: A friend will encourage you to do something you are trying to avoid, so you'll have to be strong!

Oh horoscope, today you've caught me off guard.

I imagine myself in the phantom of the opera. The only thing is, I imagine myself as the phantom. I imagine myself as Eponine in Le Miserables. I imagine myself as the girl in one of my music videos. The one in the background. The support. The friend. The perpetual friend...

I want the day to come when I dont have to feel that way anymore. The second though, the offhand side comment.

rly, horoscope, rly?

Capricorn: A big mistake was made, and it's up to you to fix it. Off to the rescue, yet again!

I don't really understand what my horoscopes lately have been saying. Some of them totally fit, and others are just kinda pulled from NOWHERE.

It's confusing...

Started school yesterday. Jewelry design and drawing 1. Im excited for the class I have tonight, Drawing. Jewelry design was alright, kinda boring for a 4 hour long class... -stabs self in throat with electric chisel-

Search

Im looking for something that I havent been able to find in a while. Its something that I used to have, and really cherished for a long time. It was priceless, and once I lost it I was never the same again. I need to find this something. It's crushial to my welbeing that I find it. If I can't, then Im probably going to struggle for a while.

I need it.

Clutz

Capricorn: Oh, how embarrassing! Something today will make you blush, but all you can do is laugh.

Today at work, I broke a $1000 bottle of cough syrup.

GO ME! :D

disappointed

Capricorn: For some reason, you just aren't yourself around someone. But that will begin to change today.

Got my hair cut today... Not really enjoying it yet. I asked a few opinions, but the one I wanted encouragement from the most... "I liked it better when it was longer."

I nearly threw up. Why does that matter so fucking much to me? Why does your opinion make or break things for me? What is wrong with me, that I am so weak I have to rely on that opinion... Its not as though thats a make or break type of thing, I just really wanted a supportive response....

Ugh... eating soup rly makes me feel better. Its smooth, goes down easy, and is comforting..

Last night was enjoyable for the most part. I got to get back together with a really good friend after nearly a month of undue silence.. But everything is good now. Im so glad things are falling back into their normal pattern.

I just wish I could get a better handle on myself.

horoscope[#]

Capricorn: If something's tempting you, don't let it win! Make a decision either way, and don't look back.

This, captain horoscope, is a might more difficult than it may initially appear... Though I do appreciate you trying to inspire me to do the right thing, it's becoming more and more difficult to stick to my guns on certain things.

help

Capricorn: Just when you're about to ask for help today, you will solve the problem on your own!

I dont really understand how this one means anything with today..

Cards

Tonight I went with my friend Maddie to get my cards read. She and I have been friends since the 4th grade, and Im sure that we're going to be friends till the day we die.

Anyway... So i get there, and her aunt is the one doing the card reading. Maddie apparently has her cards read by her all the time, and is familiar with all of the little details. The woman tells me, "im going to do an initial spread to get to know you a little better". When she does this, she tells me to cut the cards Im pretty sure it was four times. She starts laying the cards out, and starts telling me about myself. She says that I have a lot of stress involving work. She says that there is a boy in my life who is far away. She says that im in school, and she says that my mother and I are going through drastic changes. She says that the father figure in my life is worried about my money situation. She says that my mother is kind of looking the other way, as though she is not worried about it. She then suffled my cards again. She told me, after taking out a handful of cards, that there was apparently a lot of stress around me. That there was going to be a death in the family. That there was a previous death in the family that effected me, of my grandmother. She told me that my grandmother was my protector. After that she had me cut the deck again (im pretty sure) into three piles. She told me about how i would be going into school and becoming very successful. She said that money was going to be comeing to me. Regarding boys, and the boy in particular who was far away, he was no good and to get rid of him. she said within the next two years id be meeting someone through either work or school that i would be marrying. She said that i wouldnt get married for up to ten years. She said that my father and i were going to develope a better relationship. She said that both the boy in my past and my father both had not so good things surrounding them. problems. She said that it would take two or three years, and then I will finally be happy. She said that I was going to be going away for school. She said Id be going to be away for two or three years. She said that the boy from my past was going to visit me, or that we were going to see each other. She said that I wanted to see him but couldnt. She said I was going to be offered, by a man, for a job in design.

Theres so much more that I could probably wright that im forgetting... Maddie, if you're reading this and can remember anything ive left out, please put it in a comment...

Im on cloud nine right now. Everything, nearly EVERYTHING that she said was absolutely true about me. I have all the faith in the world in her. She picked things out about my past/present that Im sure she only would have known if I had told her before, or if maddie had told her...

It gave me chills to know that someone knew me better than I let anyone know me. It was amazing and I intend to go back.

Capricorn: A friend is leaving town, so spend as much time as you can with them while they're around!

My friend Phillip was in town today. Just today. Im not so sure it was just for me though. He claims that he came here because it was my birthday, and that he wanted to finally meet me after 6 years.

For the past two years Ive been a legal adult. Ive been able to go out, break the curfew because there wasnt any at that point, and do basically whatever I've wanted to do within reason and funds. I find it ironic that the same thing that happened in 11th grade happened again.. And I have a sneaking suspicion that its happening again. I dont think that he came here /specifically/ to see me, no...
But it WAS nice to meet him. He gives good hugs. :D I hope that he comes back.

I find sometimes, that some things that I do are far more lame after I do them than when im doing them initially

Games

Capricorn: The game is on. If someone else is going to start it, you bet you're gonna play along.

Ive found that the best way to survive in this life with the minimum amount of excess stress and run-around is to avoid playing games. Honestly, some games are fun. They're SUPPOSED to be. That's why they're called games. Games are for playing, and having fun. But games in the real world, games outside the comfortable bosom of fantasy and imagination... Those are the types of games I strive to avoid. If at all possible, I try my damnedest to make sure it doesn't happen that way. I don't enjoy when people play games with me, and I don't want to ever toy with a person in that manner. If ever that happens, it sure as hell have been worth it. Because in the end, games and such things as games can end up hurting everyone involved.

ugh

Capricorn: The day you've been worried about is here, but it will go great. Don't fret!

I dont like that.. Not even a little bit... D:

tired

Sleep. Its what we all need to survive. Lately, I feel as though that's all i do.. Ive been sleeping in abnormal amounts of hours. I'm not sure what exactly is wrong with me. Maybe im getting sick again? Probably. that would be a more reasonable explanation for the extended sleep. I hate over sleeping though. It makes me feel like im missing out on something. Its as though I was drugged. Im being cheated out of time.

Sleepy town is not my hometown >:[

But anyway.. I hope that I'm not getting mono again... That would suck ASS...

birthday

The fifth was my birthday. I'm 20 now. I don't feel any older, and i certainly don't feel any wiser. I feel just the same as I always have. well, not as i /always/ have. But c'est la vie. I feel a little less empty this year than I did last year. I feel a little more like im grasping my own future in my own two hands. I feel more powerful in myself then I used to. Even with all this, I still feel as though I have a long way to go untill im fully healed. Im making progress, I think. Its taken me a long time but its probably the time thats helped. Nothing happens over night.

Capricorn: A loved one will take a turn for the better today. It's just the news you were hoping to hear!

I always hope its about them. Ironically it never is. I really am hoping that this particular horoscope is one of the more inviting and close to home ones though.

moar

Capricorn: A plan is forming in the back of your head. You're not ready to share it, but it's gonna be good!

I had a plan. It was a good plan, too. That plan is still up for contemplation, and I really hope that sometime I get to enact this plan once im given the chance.

dreaming

I had a dream last night. It took place in a remote part of somewhere where there were lots of bizarre exotic animals, but there was also lots of desert space. I dreamt that my dad and I were trying to get something back from a swimming hole that we had been at, and he was eaten by alligators. It was horrible. But he didn't bleed... Not even a little bit.
Then, the dream changed. (i think at this point I had jostled myself awake because it was really fucking disgusting) I was in what looked like a cabin. I was with some people, and all the sudden I was told to hide. So, I picked the most obvious place imaginable... The closet. So as I'm hiding, I hear these horrible noises. They sound like a mixture between pain and grunting from exertion. I peeked through the key hole of the closet (cuz there was a key hole, conveniently) and I saw this disgusting man carrying in four dead people at once, presumably from the alligators... They had all been mutilated to hell. Well, he heard some of my companions in the attic area, im assumeing that would be where they were, and he brought them downstairs and dismembered them in front of the closet... Then he came to the closet, and I pretended that I was invisable and somehow he didnts see me even though I was in plain view, and he took out what looked like a hugs sythe and started slicing them into bits, watching them bleed to death and he kept screaming "stop looking at my neck, stop looking at my neck"...

There's more but it was sooo much like Texas Chainsaw massacre and Friday the 13th and all those other steriotypical horror movies.. It honestly made me shake my head when I woke up.

Can anyone tell me what you think these dreams mean? I remember my step brother and sisters were in it as well... Gimme some input. Id love to hear your opinions.

Capricorn: A family member is driving you crazy! If you don't get some space soon, you're gonna scream!

So true. My mother and I, though we live in the same household and typically get along quite swimmingly, have recently en curred a type of irritation towards each other. As often as she's gone, it seems that the more we spend time together the more we want to rip each other apart.

And now, onto other news.

I was going to have plans on the 16th. I was going to do something I'd wanted to do for a very long time. Try, maybe a year. But per usual, it was a flawed method of thinking. If I had thought it would work then odiously I was mistaken. I'm not shocked though. Not even a little bit surprised. I'm starting to finally get over the fact that its not going to work out. I'm looking to the stars, and I'm looking to myself for answers, and they're conflicted. I wish they'd come together and get something done instead of constantly contradicting each other.

Turn and face the strange

Capricorn: You are entering a new chapter of your life, but it's hard to believe the last one is done!

I got a psychic reading a little towards the end of summer time of the now recently last year. The girl doing the reading said that I was to look forward to lots of changes for this year. Good changes. Apparently they're going to come to a hiatus in May. I am both excited and petrified by what this could all possibly be coming to. I want change, so badly. But in the face of change im afraid. Im afraid of change, but I embrace it all the same because I know that change is good for me. Though I value comfort and stability, I honestly yearn for change and chaos. I want my heart to pound out of my chest. I want to be in love. I want to do stupid things and write about them. So many things in my mind have become a reality... I want more. Im excited for these changes. I cant wait for more of them.

I want it all to be good changes. I know in reality it wont all be good, but a girl can dream, cant she?