crap

The indecision of before gives way to thoughts of regret. I sit here, pondering if whether or not what I do is what's best for me. I think, what if I had waited? What would have been different if I would have tried a little harder? I could have done better. I'm sure I could have. Something tells me that I just didn't do enough. I've got this feeling that I should have done more.

There is no future, there is no past. That's very true in a way, and maybe I should start living with that from now on instead of punishing myself for thinking of the should have, could have, would haves.... But, instead of actually DOING that, I find myself punishing myself for it... For making a decision that I thought was correct, I delve into the what if's. I question every angle in my head. I'm not a saint. I'm not a perfect person. I make mistakes. I know I do. Every day I'm reminded of one or another that has happened or that I've done... But for once, once in a very long time, I'd like to just close my eyes at night and not regret a decision that I've made that day. That hour. That minute. That second. I feel myself regretting writing. Regretting living here... Regretting working where I do. I find that things are just falling apart at the seams because I'm letting them... I just have no direction as to how to fix any of it. I'm in the dark...

There's been dark like this before, but every time I come here, it seems to get deeper... More sinister. Less hopeful... More hopeless. I'm finding that it's harder and harder to climb out of those dark places we all find ourselves in at one point or another. It's difficult to explain if you haven't been there. That sounds rather... Emo, maybe? But honestly, unless you've been down the road you wouldn't know how to get there.

And yet... There's a part I can't tell
About the dark I know well.

Lol, Broadway references for the win. Spring Awakening.

No good deed goes unpunished, also a good one.

Where will it end... -sigh-