dead

I think that this is what it feels like to want to give up. To know that you're on the verge of the inevitable, and to just stare into that void where something once was and know that there aren't any tears left to shed... That you want so badly for things to have been right, but in the end they always turn out terrible. Expect the best, receive the worst. It's how it has been, and probably always will be. When you want the best of things, you receive the worst of them. Wish for a pony, get a dead rat. Wish for things to go well on a road trip, you drive into a ditch. What luck, eh? That I'd have predicted this from the beginning seems almost cynical. To have predicted my failure from the get go seems almost hysterical. But, never the less, the seeds were planted and took root in my head, and without the assistance of cultivation in hope, and of wanting, they continued to grow and take root... And they sprouted the flower of truth in me. The truth that there will be no hope for a new day tomorrow. That there will be no fruitful summer. That there will be no silver lining on this cloud... That there will be no up side. This is the final act. I'm tired.... So very tired. I'm tired of throwing up all the time because of stress... I'm tired of worrying about things that I shouldn't have to worry about. I'm tired of being told to stop worrying when there's no evidence that i should have to. I don't want anything to get harder. I know life's not the easiest act to follow, but come on. Really. I shouldn't have to put up with some of this shit. I'm getting to be too old and too stupid for some of this stuff to get in my mind. I can't just sit there and watch as my only mental salvation is chiseled out from under me by some brat. I can't do it. I'd rather move my block somewhere else where it can't be touched. I don't want to disappear...

but if that's what it takes for the pain to stop, then that's what it takes. I wanted everything to work out.... But apparently, all parties were not akin in thought.