Things

Im sad. This is probably the 3rd week in a row that I've been alone. And im not talking about just, without people. Im talking about both being without people, and being without an outlet. There's nothing in my mind worth sharing, in my opinion. There's nothing anyone wants to hear. So, what I've done is just shut it all out... To ignore my own thoughts and worries in hopes to maybe make something better for myself...

It isn't really working out the way I'd have liked it to.

I really want to have some sort of contact. I want to be able to go somewhere and hide from life, and have someone tell me that everything is going to be okay. I want to be able to go away from the world and just lose myself in something, whatever it is. I just want escapeism for a while. Just a little while.

I need a vacation.

I don't feel close to people anymore. Not a single one. I used to have that connection... But i've lost it. I lost the feeling of comradery that I used to have. In not just a select few, but in everyone... I feel lost, and alone, and lonely... I feel isolated. I feel trapped...

I want to run away.

This new job is decent. I answer phones, I answer questions of the people on the phones, I document the phone calls, I hang up, say goodbye and have a nice day, and that's the extent of it most of the time. It's a rather lonely thing, to have minimal contact with the people you work with and then to have less than a 5 minute conversation with hundreds of people at a time. The only thing they remember from you, is the information that they got from you, and if you've done a particularly good job of giving them what they want, they might remember your first name.

How touching...

I have a ferrit now. Her name is The Stig; Stiggy, for short. She's white, with black peppering all over her back with a black splotch on her tail. She's so energetic... Sometimes I think that I was ment to be born a caged domestic animal. To be taken out when I was needed, and to be put back when my owner got tired of watching my actions.

That's kind of how I feel anyway.

I've been spending most of my free time cleaning my now nearly empty house. The floors are swept, dishes done, my things are slowly moving in to what used to be my mother's room... It's like she died and left me our house... But in reality, she's only 20 minutes away. I think that's another thing that's kinda helping my isolation. Not having anyone when I come home to talk to, to bicker with, to have a heated debate with... To make dinner with... It's just very quiet here now. I don't know really what to do with myself aside from clean...

I feel replaced.

Maybe that's something else that's contributed to my isolation. I feel like im not good enough to be around anymore because i have no time. Regardless of who it is... Whenever things come up, i feel terrible because i know that its pushing everyone farther away. But in a way, i feel like it shouldnt matter.... But what do I know, right? What do I know about being a decent person.

Apparently nothing...